April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
My first encounter with being sexually abused, was at the early age of three years old. The effects of abuse are long-lasting and devastating.
In my teenage years, I was no longer being sexually abused. But I was “trapped” in a victims way of thinking and behaving. I continually looked for attention from males. I craved the need to be wanted, even if it was only for sexual acts. The Webster’s dictionary defines Slavery as the “submission to a dominating force”. As a child, my trust was violated by an Adult who I trusted, which was “a dominating force” in my life. And though that force no longer hovered over me, I had continued to be enslaved to the condition of being abused. Partner after partner, continued to strip me of my value and self-worth.
Many of you can relate to my story. And you too have been enslaved to being a victim of your past abuse. I recently have been reading the story of Harriet Tubman and the following quote spoke volumes to me, “I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more, if only they knew they were slaves”. That’s it! Many of us survivors of abuse, do not “realize” that we are enslaved to our past abuse. Years after the abuse had taken place, I continued to succomb to physical and emotional pain, submission to unhealthy relationships, depression, addictions and to unwanted sexual acts. The enslavement to remain a victim to the affects of the abuse came natural and when I made the decision to no longer live in bondage to the pain, I had to develop a new way of thinking and living. Those established behaviors and bad habits had to be broken. You see, this new-found freedom, did not come easy and at times the old ways of thinking try to lead me back to the victim mentality Enslavement….
Today, my healing continues to unfold as God reveals to me, His Truth for my Life.
May Hope and Faith lead you to your Freedom!
As a little girl, I had big dreams of becoming a dancer. I loved to dance and was drawn to anything that brought my body movement and allowed me to express myself creatively. From the ages of 5 & 10 years old, I was in gymnastics, ballet, tap, ice skating, hula and folk dancing. A variety of different dance styles and techniques that brought me joy. But by being sexually abused at an early age, I did not have the confidence to continue in any of the classes. When routines or movements became too difficult, I would give up and was allowed to quit. I was defeated and did not pursue dance.
Quitting and not pushing thru a struggle, reminds me the of the following story of, The Butterfly.
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were Life’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometmies struggles are exactlyl what we need in our life. The struggles are part of our journey, which is preparing us to fly.
I am currently using all of my strength to push myself thru the cocoon of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse. This bondage would like to keep me forever hidden in my cocoon, but just like that butterfly, I am emerging and I will take flight into complete Freedom. With my Faith in Christ, All Things Are Possible.
I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse. I was sexually abused between the ages of 3 – 12, by several different people. I created this Blog to give you a glimpse into my Healing Journey. The following is just one of the incidents I encountered. As you follow my journey, I hope to encourage and give you hope that you too can overcome any situation. Blessings to you ~ Denise aka bnewvision.
Being molested at an early age, caused me to have unclear boundaries. Like any child, I enjoyed the attention of people, but when the attention turned into a distorted violation against me, I became numb to the abuse and accepted whatever someone wanted to do to me.
As a 5 year old little girl, all I wanted was to be was a princess, a carefree, adventurous, beautiful princess. I danced in a tutu and tapped in tap shoes. I wanted to explore and discover my world, by my terms, as long as it included something pink and frilly. During that time, my Mom and I temporarily moved into a friends house. Her friend had a son that was around 12 years old and we were like cousins. He was someone I looked up to, who was really nice and would play fun games with me. As time went on, the games we played turned into “special” games. I was confused and not sure how to handle his “special” attention. He never threatened me not to tell on him, and I was not forced into letting him touch me. I was loyal to his desire to play with my body.
The abuse clouded my sunny days and my world became a suspicious, misleading playground of illusions.
How could someone who was so nice towards me, also want to hurt me? How could someone who I trusted, turn around and no longer be someone who I could trust? How could you use my body for your sexual satisfaction? I was nothing more than a child, an innocent little girl.
As an adult, I now realize that as a child, I was groomed by many violators to be sexually abused.
We are in the middle of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I would like to encourage you to help make a change, bring awareness and take a stand against Sexual Assault. A fellow blogger, Motivational Speaker and Author, Ressurrection Graves has created a petition on change.org. To Make Child Sexual Abuse Grooming A Felony. Please take a moment to Sign the Petition.
Thank you!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
While looking at this picture, a sense of fear tends to come over me. I relate this picture to the storms of life, that I have already encountered and the ones I will bravely walk thru as I continue to acknowledge and address my childhood sexual abuse. This road will lead me to my complete healing.
“THE STORM WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.
These words were announced on the national weather broadcast for the recent Oklahoma Tornado warnings. These words stuck with me and I knew I had to press on through my storm.
Remaining in the state of mind that kept me imprisoned to the abuse, was natural. I had been accustomed to the negative way of thinking, without fully realizing that I was still living as a Victim. The lack of self-esteem, the negative self-talk, the feeling of not being good enough, consumed my life. The decision to share my story and acknowledge that my innocence had been sacrificed to give someone else pleasure caused my heart to ache with immeasurable amount of pain . The heaviness alone made me want to run in the opposite direction and forgo any further “journey to healing”.
Again, I heard the warning, “THE STORM WILL BE DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.
My storm of abuse may be difficult to look back on and acknowledge but when I face the darkness of my past, I know that I am to patiently experience every dimension of my healing and Wait and to Take Cover, because, my help is near.
With God being my help. I have chosen to focus on Psalms 91:
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.
IN the midst of the storm, I call on Jesus..
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.
She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.
The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom. It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
On April 5, 2012, I had the opportunity to share my story for the first time publicly as a guest on the Ravens Closet talk show, http://ravensclosettalkshow.com/ . I was so excited counting down the days to the day in which I called, my “Day of Emancipation”. The dictionary defines Emancipation, to be free from bondage, the condition of a slave. When I read this definition, I also looked up the definition of Proclamation, which means to be free from slavery and to declare it publicly. I truly had been a slave to the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse and also to my experience of being raped.
On April 4th, I had been going over my story and reviewing what I was going to say. As I was writing a flood of emotion suddenly came over me. I felt the anger rise up from the pit of my stomach. I thought I was going to literally jump out of my skin. Every emotion that I had tried to suppress and every bit of insecurity and fear came to the surface. I began to weep and shake uncontrollably.
Every excuse I had used to this point, was no longer going to hold me back from my freedom. I knew I had to feel the pain, and the anger of the abuse. It was my right and I gave myself permission to release the shame, the guilt, the low self-esteem, the depression, the lack of trust, the nightmares and flashbacks, the overall feeling of “not being good enough”. I had carried this cloak long enough and I knew it was time for me to remove the cloak and declare power and freedom over my past.
I called my husband and shared my pain with him, I needed the support and for someone to just listen to me. I went off, not on him, but on everyone who had hurt me as a child. I expressed how I felt when my friend’s Grandfather touched me, I expressed how I felt when I was molested in the closet by the babysitter’s daughter, I expressed how I felt when I was Raped in the front seat of a car. My husband lovingly and patiently allowed me to release that pain, without judgement.
I will never forget that moment of release on April 4th and I will never forget April 5th, in which I bravely shared my story. This is only my beginning and I will never carry the heavy cloak again.
I, Denise Boyd am a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Rape. Those inhumane, violent acts of betrayal againgst me as a child, tried to destroy me, but, with God, I know that All Things Are Possible and that My Healing will oneday be Complete.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
My Journey Home….to God & Self 