Tag: thoughts

It’s Time To Burn Your Cloak..

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On April 5, 2012, I had the opportunity to share my story for the first time publicly as a guest on the Ravens Closet talk show, http://ravensclosettalkshow.com/ . I was so excited counting down the days to the day in which I called, my “Day of Emancipation”. The dictionary defines Emancipation, to be free from bondage, the condition of a slave. When I read this definition, I also looked up the definition of Proclamation, which means to be free from slavery and to declare it publicly. I truly had been a slave to the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse and also to my experience of being raped.

On April 4th, I had been going over my story and reviewing what I was going to say. As I was writing a flood of emotion suddenly came over me. I felt the anger rise up from the pit of my stomach. I thought I was going to literally jump out of my skin. Every emotion that I had tried to suppress and every bit of insecurity and fear came to the surface. I began to weep and shake uncontrollably.

Every excuse I had used to this point, was no longer going to hold me back from my freedom.  I knew I had to feel the pain, and the anger of the abuse. It was my right and I gave myself permission to release the shame, the guilt, the low self-esteem, the depression, the lack of trust, the nightmares and flashbacks, the overall feeling of “not being good enough”. I had carried this cloak long enough and I knew it was time for me to remove the cloak and declare power and freedom over my past.

I called my husband and shared my pain with him, I needed the support and for someone to just listen to me. I went off, not on him, but on everyone who had hurt me as a child. I expressed how I felt when my friend’s Grandfather touched me,  I expressed how I felt when I was molested in the closet by the babysitter’s daughter, I expressed how I felt when I was Raped in the front seat of a car. My husband lovingly and patiently allowed me to release that pain, without judgement.

I will never forget that moment of release on April 4th and I will never forget April 5th, in which I bravely shared my story. This is only my beginning and I will never carry the heavy cloak again.

I, Denise Boyd am a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Rape. Those inhumane, violent acts of betrayal againgst me as a child, tried to destroy me, but, with God, I know that All Things Are Possible and that My Healing will oneday be Complete.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

To find the Beauty..

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When I began writing my blog, I felt liberated, excited, and empowered. But I soon noticed that those feelings of “bliss” quickly turned into a bit of anxiety, a bit of depression and alot of down right crankiness! I was wondering, what is wrong with me. Come on Denise, shake it off, work thru the pain and get back to writing. I felt like the little girl all over again, and I truly found myself afraid. Not afraid of my abuser, but just simply afraid. I just could not pull myself to tap into that “dark” time in my life and share my story. Yes, I could have posted one of my previously written poems. But I felt like I needed to wait until I was ready to write again.

The Webster’s Dictionary defines the meaning of Death as: “The End or Extinction of Something” and the meaning of Alive as:”Still existing, continuing, or functioning”.

I recently attended a funeral of a loved one. Throughout the service, I found my mind drifting as I looked around the room at all of the people who were in attendance. How many of them have carried childhood secrets?  How many of them will carry this secret to their grave?  I than focused my attention to the deceased loved one, sleeping peacefully in the casket…Inside I heard myself scream…..I am ALIVE!  And at that point, the cloud of heaviness lifted and I found a new determination to continue writing.

The determination is to Find The Beauty….

While walking in my courtyard at work, I noticed, a single flower in the midst of a bare bush.  It was more than just a flower..it was lively, with rich, vibrant colorful petals that completly captivated me. I have walked past that bush for years, but on this particular day, I feel like God was telling me, you are like that flower. There is beauty in the challenge, you may not see the result in that moment, but perserver and just like that flower, your beauty will blossom. So today, I am holding onto this promise and pushing thru the pain, to “see” the Beauty.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©