Tag: thoughts

Beauty through my lens…

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The beauties I found in my backyard.

Lately, I’ve been learning to slow down and really see, not just with my eyes, but with my heart.

The sky is soft in the morning, the flowers blooming by the sidewalk, and the wind brushing the trees like a song.

But something inside me is changing.
I’m learning to pay attention, to notice the light as it filters through the leaves, and to find beauty even in the ordinary and overlooked.

This is the lens I’m choosing now,
one shaped by gratitude, healing and hope. The more I look through it, the more beauty I see, not just around me, but within me too. – denise marie

    “So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

    Time to soar…

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    So many wasted moments, overthinking, replaying the “what if’s” over and over again. Constantly talking myself out of doing something for fear of failing or waiting for the “perfect” moment to step out of my comfort zone.

    I know many of you can relate to finding themselves waiting for just the “right” time as you hope for just one more sign from God that this is what I am supposed to do next.

    If I can be blunt with you….Girl please STOP the madness!! (that statement is gender neutral) we have to put an end to allowing our own limitations to stunt our growth.

    We (ME 🙋🏽‍♀️) are more than capable of accomplishing anything and everything we set out to do, it doesn’t have to be prefect or even “pretty” our greatest work aka call is done authentically messy, real, honest, laced with plenty of vulnerability and above all else…Gods grace.

    It’s time to silence the lies which keep us bound, stand on faith and soar.

    ~ denise marie

    “So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

    #nolongerheldcaptive

    International Women’s Day is everyday…says this survivor.

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    Being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape at 14. I lived most of my life in a fragmented mindset, pieces of my identity hidden behind the shadow of what I only allowed others to see. The secrets were suppressed and the key to that pain was locked away.

    The bondage placed upon my life at the early age of 4, was meant to be a death sentence of everything good that my Mother and Grandmother stood for and the love they so lovingly wrapped me in, was now blemished. The curse had been passed down through generations and as much as they tried to protect me from abuse, I experienced this unmentionable pain in the hands of people they trusted.

    Years of flashback and triggers haunted me as I covered up the pain through perfectionism, people pleasing, an eating disorder and many other coping mechanisms. Trauma after trauma tried to keep my mind in a self-denial pit of defeat. Blurring my decision making and accepting unhealthy boundaries.

    On the outside I appeared to have it ALL together, picture perfect is what some would say. But, on the inside I felt scarred, damaged, worthless, unloveable and broken.

    I was lost.

    When I chose to face the truth and feel the pain, it was excruciating, literally debilitating and heart wrenching.

    I wanted to put it all back in the pretty little box that I secretly kept hidden in the crevices of my heart.

    But I couldn’t…the truth was exposed and I had to make a decision, either I was gonna fold or I was gonna fight…and I chose to fight for my freedom.

    What does fighting for my freedom look like?

    Everyday making a decision to do the next right thing…..in spite of depression, anxiety, ptsd, wanting to isolate, low self esteem, doubt, fear or self sabotage.

    The next right thing looks

    like…..accountability, intensive therapy, an eating disorder program, Celebrate Recovery: 12-step Christ centered recovery program, reaching out to others who I trust when I need support or a listening ear, prayer…lot’s of prayer, self-care, journaling, spending time with my husband, kids, granddaughter and our dog, walking preferably near salt water with the beach under my feet, fresh air, essential oils, laughter, whole food, supplements, chocolate, reading, drinking water, sipping my cup of coffee in a pretty mug, finding joy and gratitude daily…even when it’s hard and learning to love, accept love and give love.

    Above all else, my relationship with God through his son Jesus is how I am learning to view myself through His Word, promises and truth. I am healing.

    These are some of the tools, resources and support I have used and some I am still using to help me walk in my freedom.

    Everyday I celebrate “international women’s day” as I cheer on other women who are locking arms with others who are overcoming tremendous battles (some in which others may never know about) and are taking one step at a time to courageously become liberated from what tried to destroy her.

    My name is denise marie and

    I AM no longer held captive…by my childhood secrets, I AM free.

    “So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

    #nolongerheldcaptive

    No longer held captive by…my own limitations

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    Every part of my BE-ing

    screams out from

    under the mask

    of my own insecurities.

    Fear tries to woo itself

    oh so closely

    to the inner complexity

    of my identity.

    This inward battle of

    who I am vs who I’m not

    continues to churn.

    Keep evolving.

    ~denise marie

    “So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

    No longer held captive by chaos…

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    Fast talking,

    heart pumping

    overthinking

    everything.

    This nervous energy

    was driven by

    an attempt

    to hide behind

    the inability

    to trust,

    even my

    own instincts.

    Trauma

    groomed me

    into believing

    that I was nothing

    outside of what

    I did for others.

    Unknowingly,

    it kept

    me bound,

    to things out of

    my control.

    I’ve learned,

    to walk away

    from the chaos,

    and to step

    into my

    true authentic self.

    For there is where,

    I am happy,

    and for there is where,

    I am free.

    ~Denise

    “So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

    Not believing the hype of wearing an “S” on my chest..

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    superwoman-blog-illustration

    Like many of you Mom’s out there,

    At times, I struggle with balancing life’s demands.

    Tackling multiple projects at home and work, juggling hectic schedules and commitments..trying to meet the needs of my children, husband, friends and extended family.

    Proudly announcing to whoever will listen, that I AM WOMAN!

    Running around, pounding the “S” on my chest, with my eyes bugged out, looking less like the sexy SuperWoman, but more like a frazzled, stressed out Mama in need of a pedicure.

    While listening way too much to the little voice that whispers..your never going to be good enough.. therefore..keeping me trapped in the lie of never measuring up to the woman, that I have put on that unrealistic platform of perfection.

    Ouch..it hurts to read those words. You see…as easy as it is to place the blame on someone else, I had to admit, that I choose to live this way.

    You see, from the time I was a little girl, I had this overwhelming need to be needed.

    So as an adult, I had to stop and recognize the unhealthy behavior that continues to try to hinder my healing.

    Today, I am believeing that my value and worth is based on WHO I AM and not because of what I can do. 

    ~ xoxo Denise

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    April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
    ~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets

    My Journey Home…to God and Self's avatarMy Journey Home….to God & Self

    ~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~

    Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you

    Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..

    May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise

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    Innocence of a Little Girl…

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    I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse. I was sexually abused between the ages of 3 – 12, by several different people. I created this Blog to give you a glimpse into my Healing Journey. The following is just one of the incidents I encountered. As you follow my journey, I hope to encourage and give you hope that you too can overcome any situation. Blessings to you ~ Denise aka bnewvision. 

    Being molested at an early age,  caused me to have unclear boundaries. Like any child, I enjoyed the attention of people, but when the attention turned into a distorted violation against me, I became numb to the abuse and accepted whatever someone wanted to do to me.

    As a 5 year old little girl, all I wanted was to be was a princess, a carefree, adventurous, beautiful princess. I danced in a tutu and tapped in tap shoes. I wanted to explore and discover my world, by my terms, as long as it included something pink and frilly. During that time, my Mom and I temporarily moved into a friends house.  Her friend had a son that was around 12 years old and we were like cousins. He was someone I looked up to, who was really nice and would play fun games with me. As time went on, the games we played turned into “special” games. I was confused and not sure how to handle his “special” attention. He never threatened me not to tell on him, and I was not forced into letting him touch me. I was loyal to his desire to play with my body.

    The abuse clouded my sunny days and my world became a suspicious, misleading playground of illusions.

    How could someone who was so nice towards me, also want to hurt me? How could someone who I trusted, turn around and no longer be someone who I could trust? How could you use my body for your sexual satisfaction? I was nothing more than a child, an innocent little girl.

    As an adult, I now realize that as a child, I was groomed by many violators to be sexually abused.

    We are in the middle of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I would like to encourage you to help make a change, bring awareness and take a stand against Sexual Assault. A fellow blogger, Motivational Speaker and Author,  Ressurrection Graves  has created a petition on change.org.   To  Make Child Sexual Abuse Grooming A Felony. Please take a moment to Sign the Petition.

    Thank you!
    Denise Boyd Copyright ©

    Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.

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    Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of  working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.

    She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.

    The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom.  It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not  know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
    Denise Boyd Copyright ©