So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed. – John 8:36
de·ceit \ the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid
I think I am angry…
No, I know I am angry…
and I am really angry at you.
It happened over and over again, and you sat there and did nothing…
I know you didn’t want to betray me…
but you did…
I blamed you…..
I accused you….
and I despised you….
and most of all…
I hated you for not protecting me…
The innocence that was stripped from the loins of this little girl, brought years of heartache, shame and self hate.
This taunting voice of deception…
came in order to remind me of my past.
This direct battle between good and evil….
truth and lies…
hope and despair....
was an attempt to try to destroy me…
and keep me bound to pain.
Today, I bravely look at every jagged edge that was piercing the most sacred areas of my heart…
I boldly speak truth to those broken places…
I see worth…value…and the unending love,
that He so gracefully pours over me…covering me…protecting me.
Piece by piece, I am made whole.
~Denise
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32
I was attacked at the very core of my being and was told to end it.
That I was not going to live past the depression, the anxiety and the tremendous amount of pain. The lies, and self hatred tried to overshadow every ounce of hope and faith I previously held onto.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley…
Fragmented pieces of the memories came flashing back as I tried to piece them together and make sense of the realization that these were not nightmares but factual suppressed recollections.
I will fear no evil…for you are with me…
It was too much! I felt as if I was literally being ripped from the inside out. Every part of my body ached as I exposed the truth and walked through the dark murkiness of my past.
You protect and guide me, and I find comfort as you console me…
In my despair, I wept as I released the pain of that little girl.
You are repairing all the damage that was done to me, and restoring the deepest, most real part of me.
My strength Lord, comes from you. ~ xoxo Denise
*Psalm 23
There are times in all of our lives that things become overwhelming, sometimes to the point that life seems to be crashing in from every angle of your life, which for me caused me to literally find myself in a dark place and needing help.
I wanted to isolate but instead I called for help.
I want to encourage you, to seek help.
If you find yourself in a position that you need to talk to someone, reach out for help.
You are not alone, you are not overreacting and please don’t feel as if you are bothering them.
Pick up your phone… and call someone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
This beautiful and vibrant artwork by Kohava Howard, immediately spoke volumes to my soul!
The colors and her image, made me think of myself as I bravely continue on my healing journey.
At times I found myself, revisiting the painful areas of my past and hovering there, literally stuck in a dark place within my mind. Those moments lead me to feeling not only depressed, but caused me to isolate from my family and friends.
The Power to Rise…
Through therapy, recovery and my relationship with God, I have learned that it is ok to feel the pain. I no longer stuff my feelings, but I talk about them, freely, without fear of judgement. I face those memories with courage, completely accepting both the good and bad memories of my past. Applying truth and love has given me my freedom.
As I continue to meditate on the woman in this picture, her image depicts tremendous amount of strength, which transcends beauty and radiates of her perfect peace and hope for her future.
~ xoxo Denise
25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…
On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!
Or so..I thought.
As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.
As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.
I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.
I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.
I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..
~ xoxo Denise
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets
Please watch this Amazing Video created by Shelly Brown. May her story bless you as it did me…
EVERYONE HAS A STORY..
“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” ~ Sir Walter Scott
This statement rings true in my own life. You see, I was molested by people who were closely involved in my life. There were no initial red flags saying “danger”. I was taught to fear strangers, you know, to be afraid of the scary looking bad guy who might try to snatch me on the way to school. But I was not taught to be afraid of my childcare center teachers who required me and the other kids to remove our clothes, to take a nap. Or to be afraid of my friend’s relative who sneaked into the bedroom at night to fondle me. Or to be afraid of my babysitter’s daughter who would molest me in her closet. In each of these incidents, I was a little girl who had no reason to fear these trusted authority figures… until they touched me. My life went from normal to out of control. I did not feel safe in my own body. I no longer believed that I could be loved. I no longer looked to adults as a safe haven. Every relationship’s motive was questioned. I became withdrawn, would stop eating and would be called “bratty”. I went from the bubbly little girl, to a little girl who just didn’t know where she fit in.
The deceit was presented to me little by little, laced in a pretty little box full of “good” things. When I was showered with love, attention and kindess, it gave me every reason to trust them. The powerful tools of deception forced me to keep the secret hidden.
The weight of this bondage was tremendous but once I was able to reveal the TRUTH, than, I was able to walk in the direction of healing and restoration.
Believing the truth…first starts with admitting the truth.
It took me 40 years to share my childhood sexual abuse and rape story, and on April 5, 2012, it was the beginning of my NEW Story.
I recently was told by a fellow blogger, that we have to “Shine the Light on what was done in Secret“. Anxiety, Fear and Shame are some of the reasons why so many of us who were sexually abused as children choose to remain silent. By keeping the secret hidden, it gives us a false sense of control. But, I have learned that by sharing the secret, it exposes the Truth and allows Healing to come forth.
Today I would like to dedicate my Blog post to a young lady who is on her Journey to Healing. The following is her incredible testimony that will encourage you to bring awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse. Please pray for her and all of us who are in the midst of reclaiming our lives. Take the time to View the video…Share the video… and Comment.. Thank you!
My name is Shavee’ (Shavay) I’m currently 25 years old.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a coping skill that I used to deal with the trauma I had suffered was “cutting” or self-injury. I had started cutting myself at the age of 14. I didn’t self-injury because I wanted to I felt I needed to.Self-injury allowed to me dissociate or zone out from emotional pain, disturbing thoughts and memories. I usually would cut myself on my left arm, my stomach and my thighs I stopped cutting on my arm once I became a registered pharmacy technician because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was mentally unstable or “crazy.” I did have close friends that knew about what I was doing while they didn’t completely understand how I was hurting myself they stood by my side. I was even told by a someone only white people do those things.White people arent the only ones to have been abused, hurt, betrayed, alone ect…So eventually I wouldn’t talk about it anymore or people would ask me how I was and I would say “Oh I doing great.” While still secretly cutting myself. January 23,2012 I had cut and I went to the hospital where I received stitches while this wasn’t the first time I received them I told myself that would be the last time. With March being self injury awareness month I wanted to share my testimony. The enemy knew that if he could keep me quiet as he did for over 12 years that I would still be his. While I was going to church every Sunday and I was still struggling. That goes to show how the enemy is real. I could hear a word and be ok but then my past would creep up at bedtime then Im back hurting myself. Its very important to seek help and reach out because once I did I wasn’t alone anymore. I thought people would judge me or look at me differently but that wasn’t the case at all. I was embraced with hugs and people understood me while they may not have struggled with cutting they may have used alcohol, smoking or sex as their coping skills… pain is just that pain..I had to make up my mind that I wanted to live and not die. Once I made my mind up I started to fully understand that God does love me. The weapons that I formed against myself didn’t even work… Which showed me that God has need of me. I did make it 4 1/2 months cut free as I stumbled June 9, 2012. Even though I made a mistake I celebrated that I made it cut free for as long as I did. . I’m 25 now and that I was the longest that I have ever gone without self-injury. I didn’t have a pity party or dwell on the fact that I messed up because I’m human. I have to keep it moving at all times so I started over and July 9, 2012 made 1 month cut free. I just have to take it a day at a time and truly seek God at all times because He is where my help comes from.
My Journey Home….to God & Self 