Look me in the eye –
It’s OK if you’re scared, so am I.
But we’re scared for different reasons.
I’m scared of what I won’t become
And you’re scared of what I could become.
Look at me –
I won’t let myself end where I started.
I won’t let myself finish where I began.
I know what is within me,
Even if you can’t see it yet.
Look me in the eyes –
I have something more important than courage,
I have patience,
I will become what I know I am.
– Michael Jordan
Tag: Faith
When zoloft & ballon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, take a run.
Because I am WORTH IT.
I cuffed up my skinny jeans, painted my toes red and threw on a pair of flip flops.
Because I am WORTH IT.
I placed an orange and silver necklace upon my neck, which stands out brightly upon the white t-shirt.
Because I am WORTH IT.
I no longer conform to buying so many black items of clothing.
Because I am WORTH IT.
I take more risks and tap into my freedom.
Wow! Those words chime like a loud cymbal in the pit of my soul! Every part of my being screams out from under the restraints of the tidy little box..that I call my “safety”.
A place where the fear of rejection are nestled closely to her friend, the lack of confidence.
A place where I can go unnoticed and not draw “attention” to any flaws or shortcomings.
A place where no one can take any part of me, in which I am not willing to give.
A place in my heart in which I’ve called, “home” for much too long.
Recently the color me RAD 5k run was in my city. I am not a runner, but I have this desire to push my body in a way I have never challenged it before. I want to experience the freedom of not only running, but of finishing the race.
Of course, I chuckle at the “new and improved Denise” and clearly say this with much apprehension.
It’s much like my healing journey; I want the joys of freedom, but am I willing to go thru the pain? Yes..I am.
Because..I AM WORTH IT!
This Mom is teaching her Daughter to live freely..Because She is WORTH IT.
~ xoxo Denise
In the words of Color Me RAD: When Zoloft and balloon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, the best way to brighten your life is to run, Color Me Rad 5K.
Instead of running FROM something, get ready to run FOR something.
photo credit: http://www.colormerad.com/blog/page/9/
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets
~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~
Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you
Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..
May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise
Everyone Has A Story..
Please watch this Amazing Video created by Shelly Brown. May her story bless you as it did me…
EVERYONE HAS A STORY..
Oh where..oh where..could it be?
What is the most precious thing you have ever lost? Really..take a moment and remember how you felt when you lost it..now..how did it make you feel?
For me, that question brought chills down my spine as I never have completly recovered from losing my most precious possession.
When an item is lost, you find yourself frantically looking EVERYWHERE. You look high and low, above and beneath, between and around, just about every crack and crevice will be inspected. You track and retrack every step, going in circles, just hoping that it will turn up.
You begin to question yourself and think that possibly you never had it in the first place and maybe you left the item safely tucked away at home.
But reality sets in when you truly realize that the item is nowhere to be found.
When I was a child, my innocence was lost taken. The moment I was violated….my life changed.
Years after the incidents of being molested as a child and raped at the age of 14. I lived in a whirlwind aftermath of always “looking for something”.
In my teenage years, I needed attention and was constantly looking to men for validation. Sex became a major motivator in my quest for acceptance and love.
The countless names or faces of every partner is difficult to recollect. During the “act” I emotionally removed myself and became simply a vessel for someone else’s satisfaction.
Today…the searching has been replaced with “recovering” as I continue on my journey to healing.
FAITH…it does not make things easy..it makes them possible. Luke 1:37
It’s a 2 bowls of ice cream kind of day….
Sitting on the lazy boy this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I glance over my left shoulder and see the results of my love of ice cream….uuuggghhhh….emotional eating at its finest…
I could not figure out what was triggering me to scarf down half of the cookies and cream AND orange sherbert in one sitting? I wanted to quickly discard of the evidence so the kids and hubby would not know that Mom ate so much of the carton. But..it was too late, they already knew it was in the freezer and they would be looking for it after dinner. My weakness will be exposed, I might as well prepare myself to face the music and possible blank looks of disbelief that Mom could actually devour that much ice cream! At this point, I can only laugh at myself to keep from crying.
What is wrong with me? Our morning was wonderful, the message at church was incredible. Our Pastor spoke about Abraham and Sarah. As I sat there taking notes and embracing every word he said, I felt as if he was speaking directly to me. Thats it…the emotional binge eating this afternoon is a direct response to my anxious emotions of what I know I have to be obediant in. God is working on my heart and I have to change if I want to see changes in my life…ouch…sometimes it really bites to realize “we are not in control” of our EVERYTHING, and in order to allow God to work in our lives, we have to truly Let Go and Trust Him. As much as I thought I was trusting Him, I was controlling so many areas and people in my life, how could I expect God to do His work if I was in the way? I was giving God my problems, but I was also giving Him MY solution…
I was overcome with emotion when I could finally “see” that I was in the way of what God is trying to do in my life. I took a moment in prayer and asked God to forgive me. And I asked Him to Lead my Journey…
Quotes, Cliches & Bad Timing…
There were times in my life, that I did not believe this statement, “You were given this life, because you were strong enough to handle it”. Ummmm….Which part was I given and expected to be strong enough to handle?
Over the years I have been told this cliche and several others by many people. And at the time, it totally caught me off guard and I may not have responded to the person in a kind and respectful manner. Can you say..bad timing?! You see, I understand that they may have been trying to “encourage me”, but in the midst of a struggle, crisis, mini meltdown.. I would say, that the above statement is something I DID NOT want to hear.
If you were not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, you really don’t have a clue clear understanding of what we are going thru or how we should handle it. Questions like, ” how come you are still not able to move on from the abuse that happened so long ago?”
On this healing journey, there may be days that I don’t wear my smile and at times I may allow the pain to out shine my sunny demeanor, but.. it does not mean I don’t have Faith, it only means that I am human. We can be strong in so many areas, but every now and then we need someone to hold our hand and say that everything will be alright.
I know many people are uncomfortable discussing the subject and really don’t know what to say. But a great response, which is full of grace, would be “even though I completly don’t understand what you are going thru, just know I am here for you, and I am praying for you. I know it hurts like hell heck, but I am believing that Everything will be ok“.
Yes….Everything will be ok.
The More I Seek You…
As a little girl, I had big dreams of becoming a dancer. I loved to dance and was drawn to anything that brought my body movement and allowed me to express myself creatively. From the ages of 5 & 10 years old, I was in gymnastics, ballet, tap, ice skating, hula and folk dancing. A variety of different dance styles and techniques that brought me joy. But by being sexually abused at an early age, I did not have the confidence to continue in any of the classes. When routines or movements became too difficult, I would give up and was allowed to quit. I was defeated and did not pursue dance.
Quitting and not pushing thru a struggle, reminds me the of the following story of, The Butterfly.
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were Life’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometmies struggles are exactlyl what we need in our life. The struggles are part of our journey, which is preparing us to fly.
I am currently using all of my strength to push myself thru the cocoon of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse. This bondage would like to keep me forever hidden in my cocoon, but just like that butterfly, I am emerging and I will take flight into complete Freedom. With my Faith in Christ, All Things Are Possible.
Because This Broken Road, Prepares Your Will For Me.
After I made the decision to heal from the abuse of my past, there were some day’s that I struggled to get out of bed. The demands of being a mom, a wife, an employee and the expectations that I portrayed to everyone of being a “Super Woman”, had me stretched beyond measure. There was a morning that my emotions were out of control, I had a nervous stomach and had been vomiting. As I stood in front of my mirror, I could barely keep the tears from falling down my face as I tried to apply my make-up, it just was not going to happen that day. What was wrong with me? I normally can “hold it together”. I yelled to my husband and let him know that he would be the one dropping the kid’s off at school, and I dragged myself back into bed. As I laid there, I turned on the radio and heard this song, “Walk By Faith” By Jeremy Camp. The song calmed my nerves, spoke to my spirit and let me know that His Grace Covers Me.
Shine the Light..on what was done in Secret..
I recently was told by a fellow blogger, that we have to “Shine the Light on what was done in Secret“. Anxiety, Fear and Shame are some of the reasons why so many of us who were sexually abused as children choose to remain silent. By keeping the secret hidden, it gives us a false sense of control. But, I have learned that by sharing the secret, it exposes the Truth and allows Healing to come forth.
Today I would like to dedicate my Blog post to a young lady who is on her Journey to Healing. The following is her incredible testimony that will encourage you to bring awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse. Please pray for her and all of us who are in the midst of reclaiming our lives. Take the time to View the video…Share the video… and Comment.. Thank you!
My name is Shavee’ (Shavay) I’m currently 25 years old.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a coping skill that I used to deal with the trauma I had suffered was “cutting” or self-injury. I had started cutting myself at the age of 14. I didn’t self-injury because I wanted to I felt I needed to.Self-injury allowed to me dissociate or zone out from emotional pain, disturbing thoughts and memories. I usually would cut myself on my left arm, my stomach and my thighs I stopped cutting on my arm once I became a registered pharmacy technician because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was mentally unstable or “crazy.” I did have close friends that knew about what I was doing while they didn’t completely understand how I was hurting myself they stood by my side. I was even told by a someone only white people do those things.White people arent the only ones to have been abused, hurt, betrayed, alone ect…So eventually I wouldn’t talk about it anymore or people would ask me how I was and I would say “Oh I doing great.” While still secretly cutting myself. January 23,2012 I had cut and I went to the hospital where I received stitches while this wasn’t the first time I received them I told myself that would be the last time. With March being self injury awareness month I wanted to share my testimony. The enemy knew that if he could keep me quiet as he did for over 12 years that I would still be his. While I was going to church every Sunday and I was still struggling. That goes to show how the enemy is real. I could hear a word and be ok but then my past would creep up at bedtime then Im back hurting myself. Its very important to seek help and reach out because once I did I wasn’t alone anymore. I thought people would judge me or look at me differently but that wasn’t the case at all. I was embraced with hugs and people understood me while they may not have struggled with cutting they may have used alcohol, smoking or sex as their coping skills… pain is just that pain..I had to make up my mind that I wanted to live and not die. Once I made my mind up I started to fully understand that God does love me. The weapons that I formed against myself didn’t even work… Which showed me that God has need of me. I did make it 4 1/2 months cut free as I stumbled June 9, 2012. Even though I made a mistake I celebrated that I made it cut free for as long as I did. . I’m 25 now and that I was the longest that I have ever gone without self-injury. I didn’t have a pity party or dwell on the fact that I messed up because I’m human. I have to keep it moving at all times so I started over and July 9, 2012 made 1 month cut free. I just have to take it a day at a time and truly seek God at all times because He is where my help comes from.
My Journey Home….to God & Self 