Tag: Faith

Quiet the voice of deceit…

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de·ceit \ the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid

I think I am angry…
No, I know I am angry…
and I am really angry at you.

It happened over and over again, and you sat there and did nothing…

I know you didn’t want to betray me…

but you did…

I blamed you…..

I accused you….

and I despised you….

and most of all…

I hated you for not protecting me…

The innocence that was stripped from the loins of this little girl, brought years of heartache, shame and self hate. 

This taunting voice of deception…

came in order to remind me of my past. 

This direct battle between good and evil….

truth and lies…

hope and despair....

was an attempt to try to destroy me…

and keep me bound to pain.

Today, I bravely look at every jagged edge that was piercing the most sacred areas of my heart…

I boldly speak truth to those broken places… 

I see worth…value…and the unending love,

that He so gracefully pours over me…covering me…protecting me.

Piece by piece, I am made whole.

~Denise

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

 

Cutting the ties that bind….

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My pulse is racing, sweat is pouring from my forehead, the lump in my throat is being crushed with each attempt to swallow. A panic attack is nearing…so I open my eyes, and realize I am ok.

Cut the rope from around your neck that’s attempting to choke your reality..

As a survivor of sexual abuse. There had been many years that an “invisible” rope was draped around my neck. Every flashback triggered a negative reaction that seemed to bring an overwhelming sensation of choking.

Literally choking..you know..the feeling of desperately trying to cry out or speak, but the tightening of the muscles around my neck, made it impossible.

The intense emotional pain from the abuse, had me wanting to crawl out of my skin in order to find relief.

“On the Other Side of Fear, Lies Freedom” ~ risingbean

For many years, the pain laid dormant around the exterior of my heart. Which prevented self worth and love to penetrate.

Every prior resistance to healing, is no longer confined to the barriers of those walls.

For over 40 years, I allowed the abuser(s) to have power over me…power over my way of thinking…power over the way I behaved….they controlled my destiny…because I gave them all my power.. Yes, many days, the pain still exists, but I am in a state of constant change that is taking me from despair…to reclaiming my life.

To live in freedom, is MY RITE OF PASSAGE.

I believe that on my Journey to Healing, God is the source of my Strength.

Shatter the glass of any negative in your past, Remove the burden carried upon your back.
Cut the rope from around your neck that’s attempting to choke your reality.
Stand with hope, truth and a desire to face all trials with dignity.
Breathe deep the fragrance of sweet victory. You have the power within to reach your every dream.
Stand up and know exactly whom you are, Lift your head my sister and no longer look down.
For a virtuous Woman is emerging from within.
Copyright ©2008 Denise Boyd

25 likes on facebook..changed everything…

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25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…

On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!

Or so..I thought.

As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.

As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.

I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.

I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..

~ xoxo Denise

Look Me In The Eye…

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little girl
Look me in the eye –
It’s OK if you’re scared, so am I.
But we’re scared for different reasons.
I’m scared of what I won’t become
And you’re scared of what I could become.
Look at me –
I won’t let myself end where I started.
I won’t let myself finish where I began.
I know what is within me,
Even if you can’t see it yet.
Look me in the eyes –
I have something more important than courage,
I have patience,
I will become what I know I am.
– Michael Jordan

When zoloft & ballon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, take a run.

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Because I am WORTH IT.

I cuffed up my skinny jeans, painted my toes red and threw on a pair of flip flops.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I placed an orange and silver necklace upon my neck,  which stands out brightly upon the white t-shirt.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I no longer  conform to buying so many black items of clothing.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I take more risks and tap into my freedom.

Wow! Those  words chime like a loud cymbal in the pit of my soul! Every part of my being screams out from under the restraints of  the tidy little box..that I call my “safety”.

A place where the fear of rejection are nestled closely to her friend,  the lack of confidence.

A place where I can go unnoticed and not draw “attention” to any flaws or shortcomings.

A place where no one can take any part of me, in which I am not willing to give.

A place in my heart in which I’ve called, “home” for much too long.

Recently the color me RAD 5k run was in my city. I am not a runner, but I have this desire to push my body in a way I have never challenged it before. I want to experience the freedom of not only running, but of finishing the race.

Of course, I chuckle at the “new and improved Denise” and clearly say this with much apprehension.

It’s much like my healing journey; I want the joys of freedom, but am I willing to go thru the pain? Yes..I am.

Because..I AM WORTH IT!

This Mom is teaching her Daughter to live freely..Because She is WORTH IT.

~ xoxo Denise

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In the words of Color Me RAD: When Zoloft and balloon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, the best way to brighten your life is to run, Color Me Rad 5K.

Instead of running FROM something, get ready to run FOR something.

photo credit: http://www.colormerad.com/blog/page/9/

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April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets

My Journey Home…to God and Self's avatarMy Journey Home….to God & Self

~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~

Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you

Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..

May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise

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Oh where..oh where..could it be?

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What is the most precious thing you have ever lost? Really..take a moment and remember how you felt when you lost it..now..how did it make you feel?

For me, that question brought chills down my spine as I never have completly recovered from losing my most precious possession.

When an item is lost, you find yourself frantically looking EVERYWHERE. You look high and low,  above and beneath, between and around, just about every crack and crevice will be inspected. You track and retrack every step, going in circles, just hoping that it will turn up.

You begin to question yourself and think that possibly you never had it in the first place and maybe you left the item safely tucked away at home.

But reality sets in when you truly realize that the item is nowhere to be found.

When I was a child, my innocence was lost taken. The moment I was violated….my life changed.

Years after the incidents of being molested as a child and raped at the age of 14.  I lived in a whirlwind aftermath of always “looking for something”.

In my teenage years,  I needed attention and was constantly looking to men for validation. Sex became a major motivator in my quest for acceptance and love.

The countless names or faces of every partner is difficult to recollect. During the “act” I emotionally removed myself and became simply a vessel for someone else’s satisfaction.

Today…the searching has been replaced with “recovering” as I continue on my journey to healing.

FAITH…it does not make things easy..it makes them possible. Luke 1:37

It’s a 2 bowls of ice cream kind of day….

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Sitting on the lazy boy this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I glance over my left shoulder and see the results of my love of ice cream….uuuggghhhh….emotional eating at its finest…
I could not figure out what was triggering me to scarf down half of the cookies and cream AND orange sherbert in one sitting? I wanted to quickly discard of the evidence so the kids and hubby would not know that Mom ate so much of the carton. But..it was too late, they already knew it was in the freezer and they would be looking for it after dinner. My weakness will be exposed, I might as well prepare myself to face the music and possible blank looks of disbelief that Mom could actually devour that much ice cream! At this point, I can only laugh at myself to keep from crying.
What is wrong with me? Our morning was wonderful, the message at church was incredible. Our Pastor spoke about Abraham and Sarah. As I sat there taking notes and embracing every word he said, I felt as if he was speaking directly to me. Thats it…the emotional binge eating this afternoon is a direct response to my anxious emotions of what I know I have to be obediant in. God is working on my heart and I have to change if I want to see changes in my life…ouch…sometimes it really bites to realize “we are not in control” of our EVERYTHING, and in order to allow God to work in our lives, we have to truly Let Go and Trust Him. As much as I thought I was trusting Him, I was controlling so many areas and people in my life, how could I expect God to do His work if I was in the way? I was giving God my problems, but I was also giving Him MY solution…
I was overcome with emotion when I could finally “see” that I was in the way of what God is trying to do in my life. I took a moment in prayer and asked God to forgive me. And I asked Him to Lead my Journey…