Tag: Blog

Innocence of a Little Girl…

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I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse. I was sexually abused between the ages of 3 – 12, by several different people. I created this Blog to give you a glimpse into my Healing Journey. The following is just one of the incidents I encountered. As you follow my journey, I hope to encourage and give you hope that you too can overcome any situation. Blessings to you ~ Denise aka bnewvision. 

Being molested at an early age,  caused me to have unclear boundaries. Like any child, I enjoyed the attention of people, but when the attention turned into a distorted violation against me, I became numb to the abuse and accepted whatever someone wanted to do to me.

As a 5 year old little girl, all I wanted was to be was a princess, a carefree, adventurous, beautiful princess. I danced in a tutu and tapped in tap shoes. I wanted to explore and discover my world, by my terms, as long as it included something pink and frilly. During that time, my Mom and I temporarily moved into a friends house.  Her friend had a son that was around 12 years old and we were like cousins. He was someone I looked up to, who was really nice and would play fun games with me. As time went on, the games we played turned into “special” games. I was confused and not sure how to handle his “special” attention. He never threatened me not to tell on him, and I was not forced into letting him touch me. I was loyal to his desire to play with my body.

The abuse clouded my sunny days and my world became a suspicious, misleading playground of illusions.

How could someone who was so nice towards me, also want to hurt me? How could someone who I trusted, turn around and no longer be someone who I could trust? How could you use my body for your sexual satisfaction? I was nothing more than a child, an innocent little girl.

As an adult, I now realize that as a child, I was groomed by many violators to be sexually abused.

We are in the middle of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I would like to encourage you to help make a change, bring awareness and take a stand against Sexual Assault. A fellow blogger, Motivational Speaker and Author,  Ressurrection Graves  has created a petition on change.org.   To  Make Child Sexual Abuse Grooming A Felony. Please take a moment to Sign the Petition.

Thank you!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.

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Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of  working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.

She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.

The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom.  It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not  know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

It’s Time To Burn Your Cloak..

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On April 5, 2012, I had the opportunity to share my story for the first time publicly as a guest on the Ravens Closet talk show, http://ravensclosettalkshow.com/ . I was so excited counting down the days to the day in which I called, my “Day of Emancipation”. The dictionary defines Emancipation, to be free from bondage, the condition of a slave. When I read this definition, I also looked up the definition of Proclamation, which means to be free from slavery and to declare it publicly. I truly had been a slave to the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse and also to my experience of being raped.

On April 4th, I had been going over my story and reviewing what I was going to say. As I was writing a flood of emotion suddenly came over me. I felt the anger rise up from the pit of my stomach. I thought I was going to literally jump out of my skin. Every emotion that I had tried to suppress and every bit of insecurity and fear came to the surface. I began to weep and shake uncontrollably.

Every excuse I had used to this point, was no longer going to hold me back from my freedom.  I knew I had to feel the pain, and the anger of the abuse. It was my right and I gave myself permission to release the shame, the guilt, the low self-esteem, the depression, the lack of trust, the nightmares and flashbacks, the overall feeling of “not being good enough”. I had carried this cloak long enough and I knew it was time for me to remove the cloak and declare power and freedom over my past.

I called my husband and shared my pain with him, I needed the support and for someone to just listen to me. I went off, not on him, but on everyone who had hurt me as a child. I expressed how I felt when my friend’s Grandfather touched me,  I expressed how I felt when I was molested in the closet by the babysitter’s daughter, I expressed how I felt when I was Raped in the front seat of a car. My husband lovingly and patiently allowed me to release that pain, without judgement.

I will never forget that moment of release on April 4th and I will never forget April 5th, in which I bravely shared my story. This is only my beginning and I will never carry the heavy cloak again.

I, Denise Boyd am a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Rape. Those inhumane, violent acts of betrayal againgst me as a child, tried to destroy me, but, with God, I know that All Things Are Possible and that My Healing will oneday be Complete.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

I am Worthy..I am Validated..

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Validation – to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy

Sharing my story with a few of my close friends and family was very difficult. I would like to say, I sat down with each of them and spoke to them one on one, but I didn’t.

It was a bit impersonal. I sent them an email, explained to them that I have been holding onto a childhood secret and that I am sharing my story publicly on April 5th. It ended with directing them to my blog and asking them to please read it. I let them know that I was not “looking for sympathy”. As if, I had to “give” them permission to not feel sorry for me.

Once I hit the send button on my email message,  I told myself, that it did not matter if they read it, and it didn’t matter if they respond to me or not.  I was clearly lying to myself.

As I waited for each of them to respond, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression.

I kept looking at my email, hoping for a reply. Looking at my phone, hoping for a call or a text. What was wrong with me? Every fiber of my being needed to be validated.

I needed them to respond, I needed them to tell me that it is ok, that they still love me and that they do not look at me any different. I remembered being a little girl, I always felt like, something was wrong with me. This “feeling” lingered on thru my teenage years and to be honest, those feelings sometime try to latch onto me as an adult. It is hard to explain, but the best way  I can explain it, is that it is a feeling of being “marked”. As I waited for the response, that feeling of being “marked” was draped completly over me.

A few of my friends and all of my family responded. Many of them congratulated me for being strong and were so proud of me. A few of them said that they too had experienced childhood sexual abuse or rape. The few that I did not hear from, I just have to believe that maybe they did not recieve my email or that they just did not know how to respond.

I am Worthy. I am Validated.

Those Words kept ringing in my head, “I am Worthy..I am Validated”. Many times in the moments of our despair, it is amazing how God gives us words that give us life. He reminded me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, says or does, because I am Worthy. I feel like I was being told to  Prevail over my Past.  And that there is nothing that has happened to me that can’t be used to Strenghthen me.

My story of overcoming the abuse is not for EVERYONE, but it is for SOMEONE and therefore, I have to keep moving forward and not look for RESULTS. The reminder of my worthiness, freed my mind and my emotions and has allowed me to move forward.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Promise of Restoration..

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The tightening of my chest causes me to pray for help. I grab ahold of the white and red chamber that carries the medication that brings me instant relief. I inhale the mist, hold my breath and count down…5..4..3..2..1..exhale..Now I can breathe freely.

I have lived the last 39 of my almost 43 years of my life as an asthmatic. I recently had a conversation with my Mom and asked her at what age did I begin having asthma attacks? She said that at 4 years old, I would be rushed to the emergency room, several times a week due to asthma attacks. She also stated that not only did I have asthma attacks, but I also stopped eating. She would have to leave snacks around the house, hoping that if I became hungry enough, I would eat.

For many of years, I have had flashbacks to the time that I was in preschool. I would see a mat on the floor, and a thin, off white blanket on top of the mat. When it was naptime, the teachers had every student lay on their mat, but we were required to remove our clothing. We were only allowed to keep on our undergarments. I don’t remember much else from the days of attending that preschool. My mom said that she withdrew me from the school, because she “had a bad feeling”, she called it a “Mother’s intuition”.

In 1973, I believe that is when I first encountered childhood sexual molestation. The manifestation of symptoms, were clearly the sign of a child who had been abused.

The Webster’s dictionary defines, Restoration as the following:

“The return of something to the condition it was in before it was changed”.

As I continue on my journey of healing, I know that I will face the darkest times of my past, I will bravely take on the armour of God that He promises will be my protection. I hold onto the Hope and Expectation of the things to come….MY complete Restoration of the Return to the Condition of What I WAS BEFORE I was changed by the hands of an abuser.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©