Tag: Blog

Oh where..oh where..could it be?

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What is the most precious thing you have ever lost? Really..take a moment and remember how you felt when you lost it..now..how did it make you feel?

For me, that question brought chills down my spine as I never have completly recovered from losing my most precious possession.

When an item is lost, you find yourself frantically looking EVERYWHERE. You look high and low,  above and beneath, between and around, just about every crack and crevice will be inspected. You track and retrack every step, going in circles, just hoping that it will turn up.

You begin to question yourself and think that possibly you never had it in the first place and maybe you left the item safely tucked away at home.

But reality sets in when you truly realize that the item is nowhere to be found.

When I was a child, my innocence was lost taken. The moment I was violated….my life changed.

Years after the incidents of being molested as a child and raped at the age of 14.  I lived in a whirlwind aftermath of always “looking for something”.

In my teenage years,  I needed attention and was constantly looking to men for validation. Sex became a major motivator in my quest for acceptance and love.

The countless names or faces of every partner is difficult to recollect. During the “act” I emotionally removed myself and became simply a vessel for someone else’s satisfaction.

Today…the searching has been replaced with “recovering” as I continue on my journey to healing.

FAITH…it does not make things easy..it makes them possible. Luke 1:37

Oh..the tangled web we weave..

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“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” ~ Sir Walter Scott

Children are most likely to be sexually abused by someone they know and trust…

This statement rings true in my own life. You see, I was molested by people who were closely involved in my life. There were no initial red flags saying “danger”.  I was taught to fear strangers, you know, to be afraid of the scary looking bad guy who might try to snatch me on the way to school. But I was not taught to be afraid of my childcare center teachers who required me and the other kids to remove our clothes, to take a nap. Or to be afraid of my friend’s relative who sneaked into the bedroom at night to fondle me. Or to be afraid of my babysitter’s daughter who would molest me in her closet. In each of these incidents, I was a little girl who had no reason to fear these trusted authority figures… until they touched me. My life went from normal to out of control. I did not feel safe in my own body. I no longer believed that I could be loved. I no longer looked to adults as a safe haven. Every relationship’s motive was questioned. I became withdrawn, would stop eating and would be called “bratty”. I went from the bubbly little girl, to a little girl who just didn’t know where she fit in.

The deceit was presented to me little by little, laced in a pretty little box full of “good” things. When I was showered with love, attention and kindess, it gave me every reason to trust them. The powerful tools of deception forced me to keep the secret hidden.

The weight of this bondage was tremendous but once I was able to reveal the TRUTH, than, I was able to walk in the direction of healing and restoration.

Believing the truth…first starts with admitting the truth.

It took me 40 years to share my childhood sexual abuse and rape story, and on April 5, 2012, it was the beginning of my NEW Story.

 

To Break the Seal of Secrecy…

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To Cover-up is a concerted effort to keep an illegal or unethical act or situation from being made public (Webster’s Dictionary)

Pedofiles will use many tools to protect their image. They are skilled in deception and will lie to you and others; They will not only manipulate you but will be a master puppeteer in all areas of there life to benefit their own desires. They will  deceive you into believeing that you need them and without them, you will are “less of” a person. Some may flatter you with gifts and make you feel special. Ultimately they will do whatever it takes to keep the secret sealed. Fear begins to play a major factor in the holding of “the secret”. You, will buy-in to the lie and begin to blame yourself. You would much rather keep the secret hidden, rather than risk the redicule of no one believing your story.

During this past month, I have crossed the paths of several people who have experienced being abused and they shared their story with me. In one incident, I had a conversation with the father of a victim. He had protected his daughter from the abuse that had happened to her by her step-dad and step-brother while living in her biological moms home. The pain in his eyes as he told me the story continues to haunt me. You see, he had protected his daughter from her abusers for 12 years, and when his daughter recently turned 18, she moved out of his home and returned to the home in which the abuse occurred. Because she is an “adult”, there is nothing legally he can do.

An 18 year old young lady, shared her rape and sexual abuse story with me. When she was 13 years old, she had spent alot of time at a family friends home. One night, the husband of the family friend came into her room and took her innocence. All adults involved in this young lady’s life at the time, had proof that the abuse happened, but chose to protect the pedofile and swept the crime under the carpet. The Pastor of their church decided to counsel the pedofile and his wife and asked the victim to keep quiet.

I had a “confidential” conversation with a teenager who told me that a former youth ministry leader, had confessed to her that she had been having a sexual relationship with a college student who is actively involved in the youth group. The college student is 21 years old, and the youth leader is in her 30’s.  Though the college student is a “consenting adult”, the youth leader was a trusted adult in a leadership role and clearly crossed all ethical and moral boundaries.

She recently removed herself from the church and is not a youth leader. But…her behavior has not been exposed to the church leadership or to the parents of this college student. I was told this information and asked to keep it confidential due to the amount of stress it would cause the people involved…But how could I sit by idly? Remaining quiet, goes against every fiber in my being.

Numerous stories like these flood the media, yet..many survivors continue to live in shame and countless victims continue to be abused.

Author and Speaker Ressurrection Graves, powerfully talks about overcoming emotional and childhood sexual abuse. In her blog, she has a petition to help make child sexual abuse grooming a felony. I have signed the petition and I am asking everyone to please sign the petition as well.

Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I am determined more than ever to continue to share my story and will encourage others to Break the Seal of Secrecy.

~ xoxo Denise

It’s a 2 bowls of ice cream kind of day….

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image

Sitting on the lazy boy this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I glance over my left shoulder and see the results of my love of ice cream….uuuggghhhh….emotional eating at its finest…
I could not figure out what was triggering me to scarf down half of the cookies and cream AND orange sherbert in one sitting? I wanted to quickly discard of the evidence so the kids and hubby would not know that Mom ate so much of the carton. But..it was too late, they already knew it was in the freezer and they would be looking for it after dinner. My weakness will be exposed, I might as well prepare myself to face the music and possible blank looks of disbelief that Mom could actually devour that much ice cream! At this point, I can only laugh at myself to keep from crying.
What is wrong with me? Our morning was wonderful, the message at church was incredible. Our Pastor spoke about Abraham and Sarah. As I sat there taking notes and embracing every word he said, I felt as if he was speaking directly to me. Thats it…the emotional binge eating this afternoon is a direct response to my anxious emotions of what I know I have to be obediant in. God is working on my heart and I have to change if I want to see changes in my life…ouch…sometimes it really bites to realize “we are not in control” of our EVERYTHING, and in order to allow God to work in our lives, we have to truly Let Go and Trust Him. As much as I thought I was trusting Him, I was controlling so many areas and people in my life, how could I expect God to do His work if I was in the way? I was giving God my problems, but I was also giving Him MY solution…
I was overcome with emotion when I could finally “see” that I was in the way of what God is trying to do in my life. I took a moment in prayer and asked God to forgive me. And I asked Him to Lead my Journey…

The Petals of her Flower…

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The ugly truth….

No!

Be quiet..

Stop, I’m a Virgin!

It’s ok..

Silence..

her  legs tightly close….

her body tenses up….

he continues to pursue the forbidden fruit of this 14 year old girl..

Please don’t!

It hurts!

Silence….

overcome by emotion…her head is spinning…her prized possession is painfully burning…

and she no longer is draped by the petals of her flower.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

               

Slavery vs. Freedom

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My first encounter with being sexually abused, was at the early age of three years old. The effects of abuse are long-lasting and devastating.

In my teenage years, I was no longer being sexually abused. But I was “trapped” in a victims way of thinking and behaving.  I continually looked for attention from males. I craved the need to be wanted, even if it was only for sexual acts. The Webster’s dictionary defines Slavery as the “submission to a dominating force”. As a child, my trust was violated by an Adult who I trusted, which was “a dominating force” in my life. And though that force no longer hovered over me, I had continued to be enslaved to the condition of being abused. Partner after partner, continued to strip me of my value and self-worth.

Many of you can relate to my story. And you too have been enslaved to being a victim of your past abuse. I recently have been reading the story of Harriet Tubman and the following quote spoke volumes to me, “I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more, if only they knew they were slaves”. That’s it! Many of us survivors of abuse, do not “realize” that we are enslaved to our past abuse. Years after the abuse had taken place, I continued to succomb to physical and emotional pain, submission to unhealthy relationships, depression, addictions and to unwanted sexual acts.  The enslavement to remain a victim to the affects of the abuse came natural and when I made the decision to no longer live in bondage to the pain, I had to develop a new way of thinking and living. Those established behaviors and bad habits had to be broken. You see,  this new-found freedom, did not come easy and at times the old ways of thinking try to lead me back to the victim mentality Enslavement….

Today, my healing continues to unfold as God reveals to me, His Truth for my Life.

May Hope and Faith lead you to your Freedom!

The More I Seek You…

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As a little girl, I had big dreams of becoming a dancer. I loved to dance and was drawn to anything that brought my body movement and allowed me to express myself creatively. From the ages of 5 & 10 years old, I was in gymnastics, ballet, tap, ice skating, hula and folk dancing. A variety of different dance styles and techniques that brought me joy. But by being sexually abused at an early age, I did not have the confidence to continue in any of the classes. When routines or movements became too difficult, I would give up and was allowed to quit. I was defeated and did not pursue dance.

Quitting and not pushing thru a struggle, reminds me the of the following story of, The Butterfly.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were Life’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometmies struggles are exactlyl what we need in our life. The struggles are part of our journey, which is preparing us to fly.

I am currently using all of my strength to push myself thru the cocoon of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse. This bondage would like to keep me forever hidden in my cocoon, but just like that butterfly, I am emerging and I will take flight into complete Freedom. With my Faith in Christ, All Things Are Possible.

Because This Broken Road, Prepares Your Will For Me.

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After I made the decision to heal from the abuse of my past, there were some day’s that I struggled to get out of bed. The demands of being a mom, a wife, an employee and the expectations that I portrayed to everyone of being a “Super Woman”,  had me stretched beyond measure.  There was a morning that my emotions were out of control, I had a nervous stomach and had been vomiting. As I stood in front of my mirror, I could barely keep the tears from falling down my face as I tried to apply my make-up, it just was not going to happen that day.  What was wrong with me? I normally can “hold it together”. I yelled to my husband and let him know that he would be the one dropping the kid’s off at school, and I dragged myself back into bed. As I laid there, I turned on the radio and heard this song, “Walk By Faith” By Jeremy Camp. The song calmed my nerves, spoke to my spirit and let me know that His Grace Covers Me.

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

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I am truly honored to have been nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! When I began my blog, I did not expect to be recognized or acknowledged. I just wanted to share my story with other’s, to bring Awareness and give someone else Hope.

Thank you Arlene, http://armouredup.wordpress.com/ for brightening my day!

The Rules

Of course with a title comes responsibility, and so having already acknowledged the person who nominated me and posting their link above, I will gladly: (1) post the award to my page; (2) list seven things about me;  (3) nominate a few awesome blogs and let each of them know they’ve been nominated.

A Little Bit about Me

1. I am naturally an Introvert who works very hard to be an Extrovert!

2. I have began to let go of fear of what people think about me and have pushed my creative side to the forefront. (not easy!)

3. I love my rather LARGE Family! I have 7 siblings on my Dad’s side, 12 siblings on my step-dad’s side, but I am the only biological child of my mother.

4. I plan many of my family parties and enjoy the excitment and stress of planning, preparing and excuting every detail! (ummm..sometimes I think I must be crazy! lol!)

5. Even though I am the Mom of three boy’s and 1 niece,  I enjoy going to the movies, library, book store and coffee shop, by myself.

6. I LOVE Basketball & Football and am my kid’s Biggest Fan!

7. I can count to ten in Tagalog, Spanish and Samoan. lol! My Family is very multi-cultural!

Now, whether they choose to accept the award is not as important as my publicly acknowledging how these blogs have been a source of inspration to me. They are not in any particular order:

1. http://trudymetzger.com/

2. http://fromawhispertoaroar.wordpress.com/

3. http://thejourneyofmyhealing.wordpress.com/

4. http://whispersfrommyheart.wordpress.com/

5. http://vdcoleman.wordpress.com/

6. http://wjaniese.wordpress.com/

7. http://speakingtruthinlove.wordpress.com/

Resilient..the ability to recover from adversity.

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The above picture, is one that I have on my mirror. It reaches to the depths of my soul and reminds me daily that I AM Resilient.

Three years ago, when I was Forty years old, I had decided to face the pain of my past and follow the advice of my therapist and attend a group therapy session with other Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Week after week, I would sit there and listen to others share their story, and little by little I would share parts of my story. One of the sessions, we were asked to write a letter to one of our abusers, in our journal. We had the choice to read the journal entry to the group. I decided to read mine to the group and immediately began weeping. As I sat there, I felt as if my world was spinning, and every angle was crashing in on me. When the session was over. I was still crying as I walked to my car. I sat in my car for two hours, because I was so emotionally debilitated, I could not drive. I called my husband and asked him to stay on the phone with me as I drove home. When I got home, I went straight to my room, walked into my closet, closed the door and rolled up in a ball and wept. The pain was overbearing as I laid there in my sweat, snot and tears as the years of secrets that I had been holding were coming to the surface.  At that very moment, I knew I was at risk of having a nervous break down, and I began to pray and ask God to help me….And He did. He comforted and surrounded me with His Love.  Many of us have stories that are hidden. I want you to know, that YOU have the Ability to Recover, to be Restored and to Heal. You are Resilient.

Psalm 91 [Amplified Verson]

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].

I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!

For [then] He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

[Then] He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you.

Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place,

There shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent.

For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot.

Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness—trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never].

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

 With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.