Nightmares of a Little Girl…(Tribute to end childhood secrets)

3 Comments

Many of us survivors, have similiar stories of nightmares that we live with. This nightmare keeps us trapped in the cycle of being a victim. My Victory comes thru telling my story, I am no longer ashamed or silenced.

To this day, I still can not sleep with my door closed. I do not like to be unexpectedly touched in the middle of the night. Even though, I am in a healthy, loving marriage for nearly 19 years, I still struggle with trusting any man.

The pain, frustration and the reminder of my nightmare, many times is more than I can bear. But I would like you to know that even though the abuse tried to rob me of my identity, my security, my value and my worth, this nightmare of childhood sexual abuse does not rule me anymore. The complete healing and restoration of my soul is leading me back to my TRUE self. I am choosing to embrace the little girl who lived freely without fear prior to her innocence being robbed. The nightmare of that little girl will no longer haunt me.

I would like to share my self expression through poetry:

Nightmares of a Little Girl…
She hears her faint whimpers of calls in the night, Even though her help is near..

it seems to land on their deaf ears.

She’s afraid to move, each minute seems to be frozen in time. It rips her soul and devours her mind,

the creeping in the darkness forces her to succumb..to the nightmare..

Hot tears stream down her face, her body yields to the numbness of the situation…

She seeks her previous innocence which is nowhere in sight.

She cries from the depths of her soul…I no longer want this pain to control me ..any more…

Denise Boyd Copyright ©2007 Denise Boyd

Just ~ Conforming to what is Right….Fine ~ Exceptional Quality

2 Comments

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me

When I’m walking past the mirror

No stress through the night, at a time in my life

Ain’t worried about if you feel it

Got my head on straight, I got my mind right

I aint gonna let you kill it

You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..fine..fine..fine..fine..fine..fine.ohhhhh..

I LOVE Mary J. Blige and the lyrics of her songs, especially this one..”Just Fine”..speaks volumes to me. There were so many time in my life that I hated what I saw in the mirror. I dispised how I looked. I hated the attention I would receive. So many times as a little girl, I would hear, “she’s so pretty”, “ohhh, isnt she cute”..but what seemed to be an innocent compliment from the opposite sex (normally someone older), many of times turned into an unfortunate, unwanted, embrace or unwanted touch. A once outgoing, free spirited little girl, she quickly turned into a shy, little girl who didnt like eye contact and who became uneasy with every compliment and questioned everyone’s intention.

What does “Just Fine” mean to me..

it means that I am valued..it means that I am Worthy..it means that my feelings are validated..

I am more than the object to use for someone’s desire..

So today as I listen to “Just Fine”, I turn Mary’s song up loud, sing from the pit of my soul and I say..”I like what I see when Im looking at me when I’m walking past that mirror..yes..I’m Just Fine…in more ways than one..I can truly say, I’m Conforming to what is Right..which is my Exceptional Quality…I’m Just Fine….

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Emerge ~ To Rise or come Forth from an inferior or unfortunate state or condition

2 Comments

I had lived many of my 42 years on the verge of a state of  emersion..

Emerging..
Shatter the glass of any negative in your past, Remove the burden carried upon your back. Cut the rope from around your neck that’s attempting to choke your reality. Stand with hope, truth and a desire to face all trials with dignity. Breathe deep the fragrance of sweet victory. You have the power within to reach your every dream. Stand up and know exactly who you are, Lift your head my sister and no longer look down. For a virtuous Woman is emerging from within.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©2008 Denise Boyd