Redefine..to give a new or different definition…

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I feel completely empowered by the definition of “Redefine”, To give a New or Different Definition. Which than lead me to read the definition of “New” ~ Not before seen or known, although Existing Before; Lately Manifested; Recently Discovered.

There were so many years I hid behind the pain of  the childhood sexual abuse. I was unesy in my own body, I literally carried around the cloak of shame. When I was 12 years old, my body was changing due to puberty, I had started my menstruel cycle and I had decided that I was going to wear a burgandy trench coat. I wore the trench coat, everyday, ALL day, even when I was asleep. I was teased, laughed at, and asked by my Mom to remove it, in which I refused. She could not understand why on earth I  insisted on wearing the full length, to the knee, buttoned and belted up burgandy trench coat. This was my way of protecting myself from the abuse. But unfortunately, he had already touched my soul. Please take a moment to read the following poem,

Depths of my heart ~ What do I see in the depths of my heart? But a child so pure, innocent and set apart, Apart from the filth and innocence robbed, Apart from the trusting hands that cradled her soul, Took her aside and stole what was not theirs. Apart from lullabies and stories untold, unanswered questions and secrets held close. Open the window and depart I say, Free the bird out of her cage. Copyright ©2007 Denise Boyd

Though the days of wearing the burgandy trench coat are behind me, years later, at times I found myself continuing to wear an “invisible” trench coat. Being completly uneasy in my own body, as if I didn’t belong in the very skin I carried around daily. I work very hard to change my perception of myself and have learned to love  who I am becoming and am embracing every bit of the change coming forth in ME. I urge you to have the courage to Redefine yourself and to allow the “New” you to arise.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Daily Choice To Be Free

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Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat, An overwhelming and demanding presence from an unseen force.

When pondering on the definition of Fear I had a moment of self expression, that I would like to share with you:

Pushing through the very boundaries in which were precisely placed,

Are the very walls in which bring resentment.

Rarely spoken of are the countless hours spent contemplating a new way of fulfilling those Desires.

The mind is racing, The heart is pumping, the thought of birthing the very idea which have been cradled for so long, is reaching to the point of Explosion.

Rather than embracing the freedom at what she truly Loves.She chooses to grasp the Fear of Succeeding.

Everyone of us has a Dream, a Desire,  a Passion, a Calling. We know it exists, if we listen, it seems to call our name. It is our amazing ability to touch the lives of others and have complete satisfaction in doing so. The more I recognize all I’ve lived through, the more I see the need to share my story with others. This realization informs me that I am more than capable of facing whatever life may bring. I recognize the truth of the past occurences and have accepted these occurences. No longer making excuses for them, no longer hiding them, no longer making them my current reality. These secrets no longer hover around my soul planting deeper roots of insecurity. I’ve learned to grasp onto the truth, pull the root from it’s core and have replanted fresh soil.  I want to encourage you, or shall I say, challenge you, to push “Yourself” out of the way in order to unleash your full potential.

The following is a Beautfiul picture of my baby sister just after she landed on the ground from her 1st Sky Diving experience. The look of Overcoming Fear is impeccable! Enjoy!

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

To Battle: a drawn-out conflict between adversaries, or against powerful forces..

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Do You Battle? The websters dictionary defines battle as the: “drawn-out conflict between adversaries, or against powerful forces”. When I read the definition, the words literally stood up on the page…that’s it!! My Battle is  “A drawn-out conflict between adversaries”… When I was pondering on this statement, a scene from one of my favorite movies, Remember the Titans, came to mind. While at training camp, Coach Boone, has an early morning wake up call for the boys on his high school football team. He takes them on a 3 hour run through the woods and through the rough terrain of Southern Pennsylvania. They stop, just before dawn, when the fog is rolling over the hillside, they find themselves standing at Gettysburg. Coach Boone proceeds to speak to the boys and explains a valuable lesson, here is what he said…

“Anybody know what this place is? This is Gettysburg. This is where they fought the Battle of Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fightin’ the same fight that we’re still fightin’ amongst ourselves today. This green field right here was painted red, bubblin’ with the blood of young boys, smoke and hot lead pourin’ right through their bodies. Listen to their souls, men: ‘I killed my brother with malice in my heart. Hatred destroyed my family.’ You listen. And you take a lesson from the dead. If we don’t come together, right now, on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed — just like they were.

As a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse I relate to this statement: “If we don’t come together, right now, on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed“. In the past, when I chose to live as a Victim, there were so many negative forces pulling at my freedom. I had to literally fight against the unseen powerful forces of the enemy in order to survive. The forces of depression, the forces of low self-esteem, the forces of negative self-talk, the forces of destructive behaviors. At this time in my life, I am no longer believing the lies of the enemy..This is an all out WAR on childhood sexual abuse. To RECLAIM my life, toTELL my story and HELP others.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.  Jeremiah 29:11

Nightmares of a Little Girl…(Tribute to end childhood secrets)

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Many of us survivors, have similiar stories of nightmares that we live with. This nightmare keeps us trapped in the cycle of being a victim. My Victory comes thru telling my story, I am no longer ashamed or silenced.

To this day, I still can not sleep with my door closed. I do not like to be unexpectedly touched in the middle of the night. Even though, I am in a healthy, loving marriage for nearly 19 years, I still struggle with trusting any man.

The pain, frustration and the reminder of my nightmare, many times is more than I can bear. But I would like you to know that even though the abuse tried to rob me of my identity, my security, my value and my worth, this nightmare of childhood sexual abuse does not rule me anymore. The complete healing and restoration of my soul is leading me back to my TRUE self. I am choosing to embrace the little girl who lived freely without fear prior to her innocence being robbed. The nightmare of that little girl will no longer haunt me.

I would like to share my self expression through poetry:

Nightmares of a Little Girl…
She hears her faint whimpers of calls in the night, Even though her help is near..

it seems to land on their deaf ears.

She’s afraid to move, each minute seems to be frozen in time. It rips her soul and devours her mind,

the creeping in the darkness forces her to succumb..to the nightmare..

Hot tears stream down her face, her body yields to the numbness of the situation…

She seeks her previous innocence which is nowhere in sight.

She cries from the depths of her soul…I no longer want this pain to control me ..any more…

Denise Boyd Copyright ©2007 Denise Boyd

Just ~ Conforming to what is Right….Fine ~ Exceptional Quality

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So I like what I see when I’m looking at me

When I’m walking past the mirror

No stress through the night, at a time in my life

Ain’t worried about if you feel it

Got my head on straight, I got my mind right

I aint gonna let you kill it

You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..fine..fine..fine..fine..fine..fine.ohhhhh..

I LOVE Mary J. Blige and the lyrics of her songs, especially this one..”Just Fine”..speaks volumes to me. There were so many time in my life that I hated what I saw in the mirror. I dispised how I looked. I hated the attention I would receive. So many times as a little girl, I would hear, “she’s so pretty”, “ohhh, isnt she cute”..but what seemed to be an innocent compliment from the opposite sex (normally someone older), many of times turned into an unfortunate, unwanted, embrace or unwanted touch. A once outgoing, free spirited little girl, she quickly turned into a shy, little girl who didnt like eye contact and who became uneasy with every compliment and questioned everyone’s intention.

What does “Just Fine” mean to me..

it means that I am valued..it means that I am Worthy..it means that my feelings are validated..

I am more than the object to use for someone’s desire..

So today as I listen to “Just Fine”, I turn Mary’s song up loud, sing from the pit of my soul and I say..”I like what I see when Im looking at me when I’m walking past that mirror..yes..I’m Just Fine…in more ways than one..I can truly say, I’m Conforming to what is Right..which is my Exceptional Quality…I’m Just Fine….

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Emerge ~ To Rise or come Forth from an inferior or unfortunate state or condition

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I had lived many of my 42 years on the verge of a state of  emersion..

Emerging..
Shatter the glass of any negative in your past, Remove the burden carried upon your back. Cut the rope from around your neck that’s attempting to choke your reality. Stand with hope, truth and a desire to face all trials with dignity. Breathe deep the fragrance of sweet victory. You have the power within to reach your every dream. Stand up and know exactly who you are, Lift your head my sister and no longer look down. For a virtuous Woman is emerging from within.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©2008 Denise Boyd