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I am Worthy..I am Validated..

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Validation – to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy

Sharing my story with a few of my close friends and family was very difficult. I would like to say, I sat down with each of them and spoke to them one on one, but I didn’t.

It was a bit impersonal. I sent them an email, explained to them that I have been holding onto a childhood secret and that I am sharing my story publicly on April 5th. It ended with directing them to my blog and asking them to please read it. I let them know that I was not “looking for sympathy”. As if, I had to “give” them permission to not feel sorry for me.

Once I hit the send button on my email message,  I told myself, that it did not matter if they read it, and it didn’t matter if they respond to me or not.  I was clearly lying to myself.

As I waited for each of them to respond, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression.

I kept looking at my email, hoping for a reply. Looking at my phone, hoping for a call or a text. What was wrong with me? Every fiber of my being needed to be validated.

I needed them to respond, I needed them to tell me that it is ok, that they still love me and that they do not look at me any different. I remembered being a little girl, I always felt like, something was wrong with me. This “feeling” lingered on thru my teenage years and to be honest, those feelings sometime try to latch onto me as an adult. It is hard to explain, but the best way  I can explain it, is that it is a feeling of being “marked”. As I waited for the response, that feeling of being “marked” was draped completly over me.

A few of my friends and all of my family responded. Many of them congratulated me for being strong and were so proud of me. A few of them said that they too had experienced childhood sexual abuse or rape. The few that I did not hear from, I just have to believe that maybe they did not recieve my email or that they just did not know how to respond.

I am Worthy. I am Validated.

Those Words kept ringing in my head, “I am Worthy..I am Validated”. Many times in the moments of our despair, it is amazing how God gives us words that give us life. He reminded me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, says or does, because I am Worthy. I feel like I was being told to  Prevail over my Past.  And that there is nothing that has happened to me that can’t be used to Strenghthen me.

My story of overcoming the abuse is not for EVERYONE, but it is for SOMEONE and therefore, I have to keep moving forward and not look for RESULTS. The reminder of my worthiness, freed my mind and my emotions and has allowed me to move forward.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..I Strive..

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From this day forth, I strive to tell the

  • Authentic  “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character”
  • Unadulterated  ”not diluted or made impure”
  • Truth “a verified or indisputable fact”

Of, My story about being sexually molested as a child and raped as a teenager.

Over the years, I learned how to mask the hurt, pain and turmoil. As of yet, I have not shared my story with some of my closest friends or many of my family members. Some may say, I am the ultimate actress in this role I call, My Life.  Yes, in order to cope, I had to seperate myself from the little girl who was abused. But at 42 years of age, those acts of violation againgst me, affected who I was, and held me back from who God truly inteded for me to be. It was time for me to heal.

In this journey, I use the following statement of truth to remind myself of who I am and who I have become, “I am beautifully created, smart and funny. I take pride in being a great Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, and Friend. I am a professional woman who is Loved and Respected. People want to be around me because they like me, and not because they want to use my body for their pleasure”.  The affirmations and declarations I use are an imperative part of my healing.

Reading and writing poetry has always been one of my passions, in Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” poem, there is a section that says, “Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries”. It goes on to say, Still…I Rise, I Rise, I Rise“.

The abusers may have tried to break me, by unknowingly keeping me in a lifetime of bondage to the “hidden” parts of my life. When I release those secrets, I allow myself to feel the deep pain caused by the abuse. In the privacy of my home, normally in my room, I reflect on the abuse. The overwhelming feeling of heartache consumes me and has caused me to fall to the ground, roll up in a ball, and lay there in a fetal position. The amount of pain that I carry in my soul can be debilitating. (when reflecting on the pain, always make sure you have a support system nearby, for your safety)

In those moments, I cry out to God and hold onto my Faith. He helps me to Rise with Strength and with Power to overcome the hurt, guilt, shame and depression. The following video is of Whitney Houston singing, “I Look to You”. It is a powerful song that depicts the ultimate need for Grace, Love and Acceptance that I’ve learned can only be fulfilled by my relationship with God.

As I move forward in this Healing Journey, I will always continue to Look To You, which comes my help.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Dirty Little Secret..

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Secrets……..

During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away.  He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the “special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.

People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.

No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong? Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.

With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.

The pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.

Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.

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The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.

This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or be uncomfortable. But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.

To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.

God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.

Today, I hold onto this Truth:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Promise of Restoration..

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The tightening of my chest causes me to pray for help. I grab ahold of the white and red chamber that carries the medication that brings me instant relief. I inhale the mist, hold my breath and count down…5..4..3..2..1..exhale..Now I can breathe freely.

I have lived the last 39 of my almost 43 years of my life as an asthmatic. I recently had a conversation with my Mom and asked her at what age did I begin having asthma attacks? She said that at 4 years old, I would be rushed to the emergency room, several times a week due to asthma attacks. She also stated that not only did I have asthma attacks, but I also stopped eating. She would have to leave snacks around the house, hoping that if I became hungry enough, I would eat.

For many of years, I have had flashbacks to the time that I was in preschool. I would see a mat on the floor, and a thin, off white blanket on top of the mat. When it was naptime, the teachers had every student lay on their mat, but we were required to remove our clothing. We were only allowed to keep on our undergarments. I don’t remember much else from the days of attending that preschool. My mom said that she withdrew me from the school, because she “had a bad feeling”, she called it a “Mother’s intuition”.

In 1973, I believe that is when I first encountered childhood sexual molestation. The manifestation of symptoms, were clearly the sign of a child who had been abused.

The Webster’s dictionary defines, Restoration as the following:

“The return of something to the condition it was in before it was changed”.

As I continue on my journey of healing, I know that I will face the darkest times of my past, I will bravely take on the armour of God that He promises will be my protection. I hold onto the Hope and Expectation of the things to come….MY complete Restoration of the Return to the Condition of What I WAS BEFORE I was changed by the hands of an abuser.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

To find the Beauty..

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When I began writing my blog, I felt liberated, excited, and empowered. But I soon noticed that those feelings of “bliss” quickly turned into a bit of anxiety, a bit of depression and alot of down right crankiness! I was wondering, what is wrong with me. Come on Denise, shake it off, work thru the pain and get back to writing. I felt like the little girl all over again, and I truly found myself afraid. Not afraid of my abuser, but just simply afraid. I just could not pull myself to tap into that “dark” time in my life and share my story. Yes, I could have posted one of my previously written poems. But I felt like I needed to wait until I was ready to write again.

The Webster’s Dictionary defines the meaning of Death as: “The End or Extinction of Something” and the meaning of Alive as:”Still existing, continuing, or functioning”.

I recently attended a funeral of a loved one. Throughout the service, I found my mind drifting as I looked around the room at all of the people who were in attendance. How many of them have carried childhood secrets?  How many of them will carry this secret to their grave?  I than focused my attention to the deceased loved one, sleeping peacefully in the casket…Inside I heard myself scream…..I am ALIVE!  And at that point, the cloud of heaviness lifted and I found a new determination to continue writing.

The determination is to Find The Beauty….

While walking in my courtyard at work, I noticed, a single flower in the midst of a bare bush.  It was more than just a flower..it was lively, with rich, vibrant colorful petals that completly captivated me. I have walked past that bush for years, but on this particular day, I feel like God was telling me, you are like that flower. There is beauty in the challenge, you may not see the result in that moment, but perserver and just like that flower, your beauty will blossom. So today, I am holding onto this promise and pushing thru the pain, to “see” the Beauty.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Redefine..to give a new or different definition…

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I feel completely empowered by the definition of “Redefine”, To give a New or Different Definition. Which than lead me to read the definition of “New” ~ Not before seen or known, although Existing Before; Lately Manifested; Recently Discovered.

There were so many years I hid behind the pain of  the childhood sexual abuse. I was unesy in my own body, I literally carried around the cloak of shame. When I was 12 years old, my body was changing due to puberty, I had started my menstruel cycle and I had decided that I was going to wear a burgandy trench coat. I wore the trench coat, everyday, ALL day, even when I was asleep. I was teased, laughed at, and asked by my Mom to remove it, in which I refused. She could not understand why on earth I  insisted on wearing the full length, to the knee, buttoned and belted up burgandy trench coat. This was my way of protecting myself from the abuse. But unfortunately, he had already touched my soul. Please take a moment to read the following poem,

Depths of my heart ~ What do I see in the depths of my heart? But a child so pure, innocent and set apart, Apart from the filth and innocence robbed, Apart from the trusting hands that cradled her soul, Took her aside and stole what was not theirs. Apart from lullabies and stories untold, unanswered questions and secrets held close. Open the window and depart I say, Free the bird out of her cage. Copyright ©2007 Denise Boyd

Though the days of wearing the burgandy trench coat are behind me, years later, at times I found myself continuing to wear an “invisible” trench coat. Being completly uneasy in my own body, as if I didn’t belong in the very skin I carried around daily. I work very hard to change my perception of myself and have learned to love  who I am becoming and am embracing every bit of the change coming forth in ME. I urge you to have the courage to Redefine yourself and to allow the “New” you to arise.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Daily Choice To Be Free

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Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat, An overwhelming and demanding presence from an unseen force.

When pondering on the definition of Fear I had a moment of self expression, that I would like to share with you:

Pushing through the very boundaries in which were precisely placed,

Are the very walls in which bring resentment.

Rarely spoken of are the countless hours spent contemplating a new way of fulfilling those Desires.

The mind is racing, The heart is pumping, the thought of birthing the very idea which have been cradled for so long, is reaching to the point of Explosion.

Rather than embracing the freedom at what she truly Loves.She chooses to grasp the Fear of Succeeding.

Everyone of us has a Dream, a Desire,  a Passion, a Calling. We know it exists, if we listen, it seems to call our name. It is our amazing ability to touch the lives of others and have complete satisfaction in doing so. The more I recognize all I’ve lived through, the more I see the need to share my story with others. This realization informs me that I am more than capable of facing whatever life may bring. I recognize the truth of the past occurences and have accepted these occurences. No longer making excuses for them, no longer hiding them, no longer making them my current reality. These secrets no longer hover around my soul planting deeper roots of insecurity. I’ve learned to grasp onto the truth, pull the root from it’s core and have replanted fresh soil.  I want to encourage you, or shall I say, challenge you, to push “Yourself” out of the way in order to unleash your full potential.

The following is a Beautfiul picture of my baby sister just after she landed on the ground from her 1st Sky Diving experience. The look of Overcoming Fear is impeccable! Enjoy!

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

To Battle: a drawn-out conflict between adversaries, or against powerful forces..

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Do You Battle? The websters dictionary defines battle as the: “drawn-out conflict between adversaries, or against powerful forces”. When I read the definition, the words literally stood up on the page…that’s it!! My Battle is  “A drawn-out conflict between adversaries”… When I was pondering on this statement, a scene from one of my favorite movies, Remember the Titans, came to mind. While at training camp, Coach Boone, has an early morning wake up call for the boys on his high school football team. He takes them on a 3 hour run through the woods and through the rough terrain of Southern Pennsylvania. They stop, just before dawn, when the fog is rolling over the hillside, they find themselves standing at Gettysburg. Coach Boone proceeds to speak to the boys and explains a valuable lesson, here is what he said…

“Anybody know what this place is? This is Gettysburg. This is where they fought the Battle of Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fightin’ the same fight that we’re still fightin’ amongst ourselves today. This green field right here was painted red, bubblin’ with the blood of young boys, smoke and hot lead pourin’ right through their bodies. Listen to their souls, men: ‘I killed my brother with malice in my heart. Hatred destroyed my family.’ You listen. And you take a lesson from the dead. If we don’t come together, right now, on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed — just like they were.

As a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse I relate to this statement: “If we don’t come together, right now, on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed“. In the past, when I chose to live as a Victim, there were so many negative forces pulling at my freedom. I had to literally fight against the unseen powerful forces of the enemy in order to survive. The forces of depression, the forces of low self-esteem, the forces of negative self-talk, the forces of destructive behaviors. At this time in my life, I am no longer believing the lies of the enemy..This is an all out WAR on childhood sexual abuse. To RECLAIM my life, toTELL my story and HELP others.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.  Jeremiah 29:11

Nightmares of a Little Girl…(Tribute to end childhood secrets)

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Many of us survivors, have similiar stories of nightmares that we live with. This nightmare keeps us trapped in the cycle of being a victim. My Victory comes thru telling my story, I am no longer ashamed or silenced.

To this day, I still can not sleep with my door closed. I do not like to be unexpectedly touched in the middle of the night. Even though, I am in a healthy, loving marriage for nearly 19 years, I still struggle with trusting any man.

The pain, frustration and the reminder of my nightmare, many times is more than I can bear. But I would like you to know that even though the abuse tried to rob me of my identity, my security, my value and my worth, this nightmare of childhood sexual abuse does not rule me anymore. The complete healing and restoration of my soul is leading me back to my TRUE self. I am choosing to embrace the little girl who lived freely without fear prior to her innocence being robbed. The nightmare of that little girl will no longer haunt me.

I would like to share my self expression through poetry:

Nightmares of a Little Girl…
She hears her faint whimpers of calls in the night, Even though her help is near..

it seems to land on their deaf ears.

She’s afraid to move, each minute seems to be frozen in time. It rips her soul and devours her mind,

the creeping in the darkness forces her to succumb..to the nightmare..

Hot tears stream down her face, her body yields to the numbness of the situation…

She seeks her previous innocence which is nowhere in sight.

She cries from the depths of her soul…I no longer want this pain to control me ..any more…

Denise Boyd Copyright ©2007 Denise Boyd

Just ~ Conforming to what is Right….Fine ~ Exceptional Quality

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So I like what I see when I’m looking at me

When I’m walking past the mirror

No stress through the night, at a time in my life

Ain’t worried about if you feel it

Got my head on straight, I got my mind right

I aint gonna let you kill it

You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..fine..fine..fine..fine..fine..fine.ohhhhh..

I LOVE Mary J. Blige and the lyrics of her songs, especially this one..”Just Fine”..speaks volumes to me. There were so many time in my life that I hated what I saw in the mirror. I dispised how I looked. I hated the attention I would receive. So many times as a little girl, I would hear, “she’s so pretty”, “ohhh, isnt she cute”..but what seemed to be an innocent compliment from the opposite sex (normally someone older), many of times turned into an unfortunate, unwanted, embrace or unwanted touch. A once outgoing, free spirited little girl, she quickly turned into a shy, little girl who didnt like eye contact and who became uneasy with every compliment and questioned everyone’s intention.

What does “Just Fine” mean to me..

it means that I am valued..it means that I am Worthy..it means that my feelings are validated..

I am more than the object to use for someone’s desire..

So today as I listen to “Just Fine”, I turn Mary’s song up loud, sing from the pit of my soul and I say..”I like what I see when Im looking at me when I’m walking past that mirror..yes..I’m Just Fine…in more ways than one..I can truly say, I’m Conforming to what is Right..which is my Exceptional Quality…I’m Just Fine….

Denise Boyd Copyright ©