Category: Uncategorized

The More I Seek You…

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As a little girl, I had big dreams of becoming a dancer. I loved to dance and was drawn to anything that brought my body movement and allowed me to express myself creatively. From the ages of 5 & 10 years old, I was in gymnastics, ballet, tap, ice skating, hula and folk dancing. A variety of different dance styles and techniques that brought me joy. But by being sexually abused at an early age, I did not have the confidence to continue in any of the classes. When routines or movements became too difficult, I would give up and was allowed to quit. I was defeated and did not pursue dance.

Quitting and not pushing thru a struggle, reminds me the of the following story of, The Butterfly.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were Life’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometmies struggles are exactlyl what we need in our life. The struggles are part of our journey, which is preparing us to fly.

I am currently using all of my strength to push myself thru the cocoon of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse. This bondage would like to keep me forever hidden in my cocoon, but just like that butterfly, I am emerging and I will take flight into complete Freedom. With my Faith in Christ, All Things Are Possible.

Because This Broken Road, Prepares Your Will For Me.

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After I made the decision to heal from the abuse of my past, there were some day’s that I struggled to get out of bed. The demands of being a mom, a wife, an employee and the expectations that I portrayed to everyone of being a “Super Woman”,  had me stretched beyond measure.  There was a morning that my emotions were out of control, I had a nervous stomach and had been vomiting. As I stood in front of my mirror, I could barely keep the tears from falling down my face as I tried to apply my make-up, it just was not going to happen that day.  What was wrong with me? I normally can “hold it together”. I yelled to my husband and let him know that he would be the one dropping the kid’s off at school, and I dragged myself back into bed. As I laid there, I turned on the radio and heard this song, “Walk By Faith” By Jeremy Camp. The song calmed my nerves, spoke to my spirit and let me know that His Grace Covers Me.

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

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I am truly honored to have been nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! When I began my blog, I did not expect to be recognized or acknowledged. I just wanted to share my story with other’s, to bring Awareness and give someone else Hope.

Thank you Arlene, http://armouredup.wordpress.com/ for brightening my day!

The Rules

Of course with a title comes responsibility, and so having already acknowledged the person who nominated me and posting their link above, I will gladly: (1) post the award to my page; (2) list seven things about me;  (3) nominate a few awesome blogs and let each of them know they’ve been nominated.

A Little Bit about Me

1. I am naturally an Introvert who works very hard to be an Extrovert!

2. I have began to let go of fear of what people think about me and have pushed my creative side to the forefront. (not easy!)

3. I love my rather LARGE Family! I have 7 siblings on my Dad’s side, 12 siblings on my step-dad’s side, but I am the only biological child of my mother.

4. I plan many of my family parties and enjoy the excitment and stress of planning, preparing and excuting every detail! (ummm..sometimes I think I must be crazy! lol!)

5. Even though I am the Mom of three boy’s and 1 niece,  I enjoy going to the movies, library, book store and coffee shop, by myself.

6. I LOVE Basketball & Football and am my kid’s Biggest Fan!

7. I can count to ten in Tagalog, Spanish and Samoan. lol! My Family is very multi-cultural!

Now, whether they choose to accept the award is not as important as my publicly acknowledging how these blogs have been a source of inspration to me. They are not in any particular order:

1. http://trudymetzger.com/

2. http://fromawhispertoaroar.wordpress.com/

3. http://thejourneyofmyhealing.wordpress.com/

4. http://whispersfrommyheart.wordpress.com/

5. http://vdcoleman.wordpress.com/

6. http://wjaniese.wordpress.com/

7. http://speakingtruthinlove.wordpress.com/

Shine the Light..on what was done in Secret..

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I recently was told by a fellow blogger, that we have to “Shine the Light on what was done in Secret“.  Anxiety, Fear and Shame are some of the reasons why so many of us who were sexually abused as children choose to remain silent. By keeping the secret hidden, it gives us a false sense of control. But, I have learned that by sharing the secret,  it exposes the Truth and allows Healing to come forth.

Today I would like to dedicate my Blog post to a young lady who is on her Journey to Healing. The following is her incredible testimony that will encourage you to bring awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.  Please pray for her and all of us who are in the midst of reclaiming our lives.  Take the time to View the video…Share the video… and Comment.. Thank you!

My name is Shavee’  (Shavay) I’m currently 25 years old.  

I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a coping skill that I used to deal with the trauma I had suffered was “cutting” or self-injury. I had started cutting myself at the age of 14. I didn’t self-injury because I wanted to I felt I needed to.Self-injury allowed to me dissociate or zone out from emotional pain, disturbing thoughts and memories. I usually would cut myself on my left arm, my stomach and my thighs I stopped cutting on my arm once I became a registered pharmacy technician because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was mentally unstable or “crazy.” I did have close friends that knew about what I was doing while they didn’t completely understand how I was hurting myself they stood by my side. I was even told by a someone only white people do those things.White people arent the only ones to have been abused, hurt, betrayed, alone ect…So eventually I wouldn’t talk about it anymore or people would ask me how I was and I would say “Oh I doing great.” While still secretly cutting myself. January 23,2012 I had cut and I went to the hospital where I received stitches while this wasn’t the first time I received them I told myself that would be the last time.  With March being self injury awareness month I wanted to share my testimony. The enemy knew that if he could keep me quiet as he did for over 12 years that I would still be his. While I was going to church every Sunday and I was still struggling. That goes to show how the enemy is real. I could hear a word and be ok but then my past would creep up at bedtime then Im back hurting myself. Its very important to seek help and reach out because once I did I wasn’t alone anymore. I thought people would judge me or look at me differently but that wasn’t the case at all. I was embraced with hugs and people understood me while they may not have struggled with cutting they may have used alcohol, smoking or sex as their coping skills… pain is just that pain..I had to make up my mind that I wanted to live and not die. Once I made my mind up I started to fully understand that God does love me. The weapons that I formed against myself didn’t even work… Which showed me that God has need of me. I did make it 4 1/2 months cut free as I stumbled June 9, 2012. Even though I made a mistake I celebrated that I made it cut free for as long as I did. .  I’m 25 now and that I was the longest that I have ever gone without self-injury. I didn’t have a pity party or dwell on the fact that I messed up because I’m human. I have to keep it moving at all times so I started over and July 9, 2012 made 1 month cut free. I just have to take it a day at a time and truly seek God at all times because He is where my help comes from.

Resilient..the ability to recover from adversity.

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The above picture, is one that I have on my mirror. It reaches to the depths of my soul and reminds me daily that I AM Resilient.

Three years ago, when I was Forty years old, I had decided to face the pain of my past and follow the advice of my therapist and attend a group therapy session with other Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Week after week, I would sit there and listen to others share their story, and little by little I would share parts of my story. One of the sessions, we were asked to write a letter to one of our abusers, in our journal. We had the choice to read the journal entry to the group. I decided to read mine to the group and immediately began weeping. As I sat there, I felt as if my world was spinning, and every angle was crashing in on me. When the session was over. I was still crying as I walked to my car. I sat in my car for two hours, because I was so emotionally debilitated, I could not drive. I called my husband and asked him to stay on the phone with me as I drove home. When I got home, I went straight to my room, walked into my closet, closed the door and rolled up in a ball and wept. The pain was overbearing as I laid there in my sweat, snot and tears as the years of secrets that I had been holding were coming to the surface.  At that very moment, I knew I was at risk of having a nervous break down, and I began to pray and ask God to help me….And He did. He comforted and surrounded me with His Love.  Many of us have stories that are hidden. I want you to know, that YOU have the Ability to Recover, to be Restored and to Heal. You are Resilient.

Psalm 91 [Amplified Verson]

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].

I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!

For [then] He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

[Then] He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you.

Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place,

There shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent.

For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot.

Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness—trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never].

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

 With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.

You Are Not Alone…

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In your Journey to Healing..remember you are not alone.

The pain of a secret past,

hides deeply within your soul,

You run and hide,

only for the unmentionable nightmares to haunt you.

The regret of not telling,

causes the vile taste of guilt to rise to the tip of your throat.

In the shell of this Woman, is a little girl,  whose life has been forever changed

at the hands of an abuser.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

You only need 20 seconds of bravery, dial 1-800-656-Hope, Your Road to Recovery and Healing is near.

Innocence of a Little Girl…

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I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse. I was sexually abused between the ages of 3 – 12, by several different people. I created this Blog to give you a glimpse into my Healing Journey. The following is just one of the incidents I encountered. As you follow my journey, I hope to encourage and give you hope that you too can overcome any situation. Blessings to you ~ Denise aka bnewvision. 

Being molested at an early age,  caused me to have unclear boundaries. Like any child, I enjoyed the attention of people, but when the attention turned into a distorted violation against me, I became numb to the abuse and accepted whatever someone wanted to do to me.

As a 5 year old little girl, all I wanted was to be was a princess, a carefree, adventurous, beautiful princess. I danced in a tutu and tapped in tap shoes. I wanted to explore and discover my world, by my terms, as long as it included something pink and frilly. During that time, my Mom and I temporarily moved into a friends house.  Her friend had a son that was around 12 years old and we were like cousins. He was someone I looked up to, who was really nice and would play fun games with me. As time went on, the games we played turned into “special” games. I was confused and not sure how to handle his “special” attention. He never threatened me not to tell on him, and I was not forced into letting him touch me. I was loyal to his desire to play with my body.

The abuse clouded my sunny days and my world became a suspicious, misleading playground of illusions.

How could someone who was so nice towards me, also want to hurt me? How could someone who I trusted, turn around and no longer be someone who I could trust? How could you use my body for your sexual satisfaction? I was nothing more than a child, an innocent little girl.

As an adult, I now realize that as a child, I was groomed by many violators to be sexually abused.

We are in the middle of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I would like to encourage you to help make a change, bring awareness and take a stand against Sexual Assault. A fellow blogger, Motivational Speaker and Author,  Ressurrection Graves  has created a petition on change.org.   To  Make Child Sexual Abuse Grooming A Felony. Please take a moment to Sign the Petition.

Thank you!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

IN the Midst of the Storm..

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While looking at this picture, a sense of fear tends to come over me. I relate this picture to the storms of life, that I have already encountered and the ones I will bravely walk thru as I continue to acknowledge and address my childhood sexual abuse. This road will lead me to my complete healing.

“THE STORM WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.

These words were  announced on the national weather broadcast for the recent Oklahoma Tornado warnings. These words stuck with me and I knew I had to press on through my storm.

Remaining in the state of mind that kept me imprisoned to the abuse, was natural. I had been accustomed to the negative way of thinking, without fully realizing that I was still living as a Victim. The lack of self-esteem, the negative self-talk, the feeling of not being good enough, consumed my life. The decision to share my story and acknowledge that my innocence had been sacrificed to give someone else pleasure caused my heart to ache with immeasurable amount of pain . The heaviness alone made me want to run in the opposite direction and forgo any further “journey to healing”.

Again, I heard the warning, “THE STORM WILL BE DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.

My storm of abuse may be difficult to look back on and acknowledge but when I face the darkness of my past, I know that I am to patiently experience every dimension of my healing and Wait and to Take Cover, because, my help is near.

With God being my help. I have chosen to focus on Psalms 91:

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

IN the midst of the storm, I call on Jesus..

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.

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Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of  working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.

She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.

The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom.  It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not  know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

It’s Time To Burn Your Cloak..

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On April 5, 2012, I had the opportunity to share my story for the first time publicly as a guest on the Ravens Closet talk show, http://ravensclosettalkshow.com/ . I was so excited counting down the days to the day in which I called, my “Day of Emancipation”. The dictionary defines Emancipation, to be free from bondage, the condition of a slave. When I read this definition, I also looked up the definition of Proclamation, which means to be free from slavery and to declare it publicly. I truly had been a slave to the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse and also to my experience of being raped.

On April 4th, I had been going over my story and reviewing what I was going to say. As I was writing a flood of emotion suddenly came over me. I felt the anger rise up from the pit of my stomach. I thought I was going to literally jump out of my skin. Every emotion that I had tried to suppress and every bit of insecurity and fear came to the surface. I began to weep and shake uncontrollably.

Every excuse I had used to this point, was no longer going to hold me back from my freedom.  I knew I had to feel the pain, and the anger of the abuse. It was my right and I gave myself permission to release the shame, the guilt, the low self-esteem, the depression, the lack of trust, the nightmares and flashbacks, the overall feeling of “not being good enough”. I had carried this cloak long enough and I knew it was time for me to remove the cloak and declare power and freedom over my past.

I called my husband and shared my pain with him, I needed the support and for someone to just listen to me. I went off, not on him, but on everyone who had hurt me as a child. I expressed how I felt when my friend’s Grandfather touched me,  I expressed how I felt when I was molested in the closet by the babysitter’s daughter, I expressed how I felt when I was Raped in the front seat of a car. My husband lovingly and patiently allowed me to release that pain, without judgement.

I will never forget that moment of release on April 4th and I will never forget April 5th, in which I bravely shared my story. This is only my beginning and I will never carry the heavy cloak again.

I, Denise Boyd am a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Rape. Those inhumane, violent acts of betrayal againgst me as a child, tried to destroy me, but, with God, I know that All Things Are Possible and that My Healing will oneday be Complete.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©