Tag: Women

Shine the Light..on what was done in Secret..

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I recently was told by a fellow blogger, that we have to “Shine the Light on what was done in Secret“.  Anxiety, Fear and Shame are some of the reasons why so many of us who were sexually abused as children choose to remain silent. By keeping the secret hidden, it gives us a false sense of control. But, I have learned that by sharing the secret,  it exposes the Truth and allows Healing to come forth.

Today I would like to dedicate my Blog post to a young lady who is on her Journey to Healing. The following is her incredible testimony that will encourage you to bring awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.  Please pray for her and all of us who are in the midst of reclaiming our lives.  Take the time to View the video…Share the video… and Comment.. Thank you!

My name is Shavee’  (Shavay) I’m currently 25 years old.  

I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a coping skill that I used to deal with the trauma I had suffered was “cutting” or self-injury. I had started cutting myself at the age of 14. I didn’t self-injury because I wanted to I felt I needed to.Self-injury allowed to me dissociate or zone out from emotional pain, disturbing thoughts and memories. I usually would cut myself on my left arm, my stomach and my thighs I stopped cutting on my arm once I became a registered pharmacy technician because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was mentally unstable or “crazy.” I did have close friends that knew about what I was doing while they didn’t completely understand how I was hurting myself they stood by my side. I was even told by a someone only white people do those things.White people arent the only ones to have been abused, hurt, betrayed, alone ect…So eventually I wouldn’t talk about it anymore or people would ask me how I was and I would say “Oh I doing great.” While still secretly cutting myself. January 23,2012 I had cut and I went to the hospital where I received stitches while this wasn’t the first time I received them I told myself that would be the last time.  With March being self injury awareness month I wanted to share my testimony. The enemy knew that if he could keep me quiet as he did for over 12 years that I would still be his. While I was going to church every Sunday and I was still struggling. That goes to show how the enemy is real. I could hear a word and be ok but then my past would creep up at bedtime then Im back hurting myself. Its very important to seek help and reach out because once I did I wasn’t alone anymore. I thought people would judge me or look at me differently but that wasn’t the case at all. I was embraced with hugs and people understood me while they may not have struggled with cutting they may have used alcohol, smoking or sex as their coping skills… pain is just that pain..I had to make up my mind that I wanted to live and not die. Once I made my mind up I started to fully understand that God does love me. The weapons that I formed against myself didn’t even work… Which showed me that God has need of me. I did make it 4 1/2 months cut free as I stumbled June 9, 2012. Even though I made a mistake I celebrated that I made it cut free for as long as I did. .  I’m 25 now and that I was the longest that I have ever gone without self-injury. I didn’t have a pity party or dwell on the fact that I messed up because I’m human. I have to keep it moving at all times so I started over and July 9, 2012 made 1 month cut free. I just have to take it a day at a time and truly seek God at all times because He is where my help comes from.

Resilient..the ability to recover from adversity.

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The above picture, is one that I have on my mirror. It reaches to the depths of my soul and reminds me daily that I AM Resilient.

Three years ago, when I was Forty years old, I had decided to face the pain of my past and follow the advice of my therapist and attend a group therapy session with other Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Week after week, I would sit there and listen to others share their story, and little by little I would share parts of my story. One of the sessions, we were asked to write a letter to one of our abusers, in our journal. We had the choice to read the journal entry to the group. I decided to read mine to the group and immediately began weeping. As I sat there, I felt as if my world was spinning, and every angle was crashing in on me. When the session was over. I was still crying as I walked to my car. I sat in my car for two hours, because I was so emotionally debilitated, I could not drive. I called my husband and asked him to stay on the phone with me as I drove home. When I got home, I went straight to my room, walked into my closet, closed the door and rolled up in a ball and wept. The pain was overbearing as I laid there in my sweat, snot and tears as the years of secrets that I had been holding were coming to the surface.  At that very moment, I knew I was at risk of having a nervous break down, and I began to pray and ask God to help me….And He did. He comforted and surrounded me with His Love.  Many of us have stories that are hidden. I want you to know, that YOU have the Ability to Recover, to be Restored and to Heal. You are Resilient.

Psalm 91 [Amplified Verson]

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].

I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!

For [then] He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

[Then] He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you.

Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place,

There shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent.

For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot.

Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness—trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never].

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

 With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.

You Are Not Alone…

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In your Journey to Healing..remember you are not alone.

The pain of a secret past,

hides deeply within your soul,

You run and hide,

only for the unmentionable nightmares to haunt you.

The regret of not telling,

causes the vile taste of guilt to rise to the tip of your throat.

In the shell of this Woman, is a little girl,  whose life has been forever changed

at the hands of an abuser.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

You only need 20 seconds of bravery, dial 1-800-656-Hope, Your Road to Recovery and Healing is near.

Innocence of a Little Girl…

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I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse. I was sexually abused between the ages of 3 – 12, by several different people. I created this Blog to give you a glimpse into my Healing Journey. The following is just one of the incidents I encountered. As you follow my journey, I hope to encourage and give you hope that you too can overcome any situation. Blessings to you ~ Denise aka bnewvision. 

Being molested at an early age,  caused me to have unclear boundaries. Like any child, I enjoyed the attention of people, but when the attention turned into a distorted violation against me, I became numb to the abuse and accepted whatever someone wanted to do to me.

As a 5 year old little girl, all I wanted was to be was a princess, a carefree, adventurous, beautiful princess. I danced in a tutu and tapped in tap shoes. I wanted to explore and discover my world, by my terms, as long as it included something pink and frilly. During that time, my Mom and I temporarily moved into a friends house.  Her friend had a son that was around 12 years old and we were like cousins. He was someone I looked up to, who was really nice and would play fun games with me. As time went on, the games we played turned into “special” games. I was confused and not sure how to handle his “special” attention. He never threatened me not to tell on him, and I was not forced into letting him touch me. I was loyal to his desire to play with my body.

The abuse clouded my sunny days and my world became a suspicious, misleading playground of illusions.

How could someone who was so nice towards me, also want to hurt me? How could someone who I trusted, turn around and no longer be someone who I could trust? How could you use my body for your sexual satisfaction? I was nothing more than a child, an innocent little girl.

As an adult, I now realize that as a child, I was groomed by many violators to be sexually abused.

We are in the middle of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I would like to encourage you to help make a change, bring awareness and take a stand against Sexual Assault. A fellow blogger, Motivational Speaker and Author,  Ressurrection Graves  has created a petition on change.org.   To  Make Child Sexual Abuse Grooming A Felony. Please take a moment to Sign the Petition.

Thank you!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

IN the Midst of the Storm..

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While looking at this picture, a sense of fear tends to come over me. I relate this picture to the storms of life, that I have already encountered and the ones I will bravely walk thru as I continue to acknowledge and address my childhood sexual abuse. This road will lead me to my complete healing.

“THE STORM WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.

These words were  announced on the national weather broadcast for the recent Oklahoma Tornado warnings. These words stuck with me and I knew I had to press on through my storm.

Remaining in the state of mind that kept me imprisoned to the abuse, was natural. I had been accustomed to the negative way of thinking, without fully realizing that I was still living as a Victim. The lack of self-esteem, the negative self-talk, the feeling of not being good enough, consumed my life. The decision to share my story and acknowledge that my innocence had been sacrificed to give someone else pleasure caused my heart to ache with immeasurable amount of pain . The heaviness alone made me want to run in the opposite direction and forgo any further “journey to healing”.

Again, I heard the warning, “THE STORM WILL BE DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.

My storm of abuse may be difficult to look back on and acknowledge but when I face the darkness of my past, I know that I am to patiently experience every dimension of my healing and Wait and to Take Cover, because, my help is near.

With God being my help. I have chosen to focus on Psalms 91:

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

IN the midst of the storm, I call on Jesus..

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.

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Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of  working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.

She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.

The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom.  It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not  know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

It’s Time To Burn Your Cloak..

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On April 5, 2012, I had the opportunity to share my story for the first time publicly as a guest on the Ravens Closet talk show, http://ravensclosettalkshow.com/ . I was so excited counting down the days to the day in which I called, my “Day of Emancipation”. The dictionary defines Emancipation, to be free from bondage, the condition of a slave. When I read this definition, I also looked up the definition of Proclamation, which means to be free from slavery and to declare it publicly. I truly had been a slave to the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse and also to my experience of being raped.

On April 4th, I had been going over my story and reviewing what I was going to say. As I was writing a flood of emotion suddenly came over me. I felt the anger rise up from the pit of my stomach. I thought I was going to literally jump out of my skin. Every emotion that I had tried to suppress and every bit of insecurity and fear came to the surface. I began to weep and shake uncontrollably.

Every excuse I had used to this point, was no longer going to hold me back from my freedom.  I knew I had to feel the pain, and the anger of the abuse. It was my right and I gave myself permission to release the shame, the guilt, the low self-esteem, the depression, the lack of trust, the nightmares and flashbacks, the overall feeling of “not being good enough”. I had carried this cloak long enough and I knew it was time for me to remove the cloak and declare power and freedom over my past.

I called my husband and shared my pain with him, I needed the support and for someone to just listen to me. I went off, not on him, but on everyone who had hurt me as a child. I expressed how I felt when my friend’s Grandfather touched me,  I expressed how I felt when I was molested in the closet by the babysitter’s daughter, I expressed how I felt when I was Raped in the front seat of a car. My husband lovingly and patiently allowed me to release that pain, without judgement.

I will never forget that moment of release on April 4th and I will never forget April 5th, in which I bravely shared my story. This is only my beginning and I will never carry the heavy cloak again.

I, Denise Boyd am a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Rape. Those inhumane, violent acts of betrayal againgst me as a child, tried to destroy me, but, with God, I know that All Things Are Possible and that My Healing will oneday be Complete.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..I Strive..

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From this day forth, I strive to tell the

  • Authentic  “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character”
  • Unadulterated  ”not diluted or made impure”
  • Truth “a verified or indisputable fact”

Of, My story about being sexually molested as a child and raped as a teenager.

Over the years, I learned how to mask the hurt, pain and turmoil. As of yet, I have not shared my story with some of my closest friends or many of my family members. Some may say, I am the ultimate actress in this role I call, My Life.  Yes, in order to cope, I had to seperate myself from the little girl who was abused. But at 42 years of age, those acts of violation againgst me, affected who I was, and held me back from who God truly inteded for me to be. It was time for me to heal.

In this journey, I use the following statement of truth to remind myself of who I am and who I have become, “I am beautifully created, smart and funny. I take pride in being a great Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, and Friend. I am a professional woman who is Loved and Respected. People want to be around me because they like me, and not because they want to use my body for their pleasure”.  The affirmations and declarations I use are an imperative part of my healing.

Reading and writing poetry has always been one of my passions, in Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” poem, there is a section that says, “Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries”. It goes on to say, Still…I Rise, I Rise, I Rise“.

The abusers may have tried to break me, by unknowingly keeping me in a lifetime of bondage to the “hidden” parts of my life. When I release those secrets, I allow myself to feel the deep pain caused by the abuse. In the privacy of my home, normally in my room, I reflect on the abuse. The overwhelming feeling of heartache consumes me and has caused me to fall to the ground, roll up in a ball, and lay there in a fetal position. The amount of pain that I carry in my soul can be debilitating. (when reflecting on the pain, always make sure you have a support system nearby, for your safety)

In those moments, I cry out to God and hold onto my Faith. He helps me to Rise with Strength and with Power to overcome the hurt, guilt, shame and depression. The following video is of Whitney Houston singing, “I Look to You”. It is a powerful song that depicts the ultimate need for Grace, Love and Acceptance that I’ve learned can only be fulfilled by my relationship with God.

As I move forward in this Healing Journey, I will always continue to Look To You, which comes my help.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Dirty Little Secret..

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Secrets……..

During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away.  He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the “special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.

People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.

No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong? Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.

With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.

The pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.

Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.

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The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.

This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or be uncomfortable. But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.

To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.

God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.

Today, I hold onto this Truth:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Promise of Restoration..

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The tightening of my chest causes me to pray for help. I grab ahold of the white and red chamber that carries the medication that brings me instant relief. I inhale the mist, hold my breath and count down…5..4..3..2..1..exhale..Now I can breathe freely.

I have lived the last 39 of my almost 43 years of my life as an asthmatic. I recently had a conversation with my Mom and asked her at what age did I begin having asthma attacks? She said that at 4 years old, I would be rushed to the emergency room, several times a week due to asthma attacks. She also stated that not only did I have asthma attacks, but I also stopped eating. She would have to leave snacks around the house, hoping that if I became hungry enough, I would eat.

For many of years, I have had flashbacks to the time that I was in preschool. I would see a mat on the floor, and a thin, off white blanket on top of the mat. When it was naptime, the teachers had every student lay on their mat, but we were required to remove our clothing. We were only allowed to keep on our undergarments. I don’t remember much else from the days of attending that preschool. My mom said that she withdrew me from the school, because she “had a bad feeling”, she called it a “Mother’s intuition”.

In 1973, I believe that is when I first encountered childhood sexual molestation. The manifestation of symptoms, were clearly the sign of a child who had been abused.

The Webster’s dictionary defines, Restoration as the following:

“The return of something to the condition it was in before it was changed”.

As I continue on my journey of healing, I know that I will face the darkest times of my past, I will bravely take on the armour of God that He promises will be my protection. I hold onto the Hope and Expectation of the things to come….MY complete Restoration of the Return to the Condition of What I WAS BEFORE I was changed by the hands of an abuser.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©