Tag: Love
The Power to Rise…
This beautiful and vibrant artwork by Kohava Howard, immediately spoke volumes to my soul!
The colors and her image, made me think of myself as I bravely continue on my healing journey.
At times I found myself, revisiting the painful areas of my past and hovering there, literally stuck in a dark place within my mind. Those moments lead me to feeling not only depressed, but caused me to isolate from my family and friends.
The Power to Rise…
Through therapy, recovery and my relationship with God, I have learned that it is ok to feel the pain. I no longer stuff my feelings, but I talk about them, freely, without fear of judgement. I face those memories with courage, completely accepting both the good and bad memories of my past. Applying truth and love has given me my freedom.
As I continue to meditate on the woman in this picture, her image depicts tremendous amount of strength, which transcends beauty and radiates of her perfect peace and hope for her future.
~ xoxo Denise
25 likes on facebook..changed everything…
25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…
On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!
Or so..I thought.
As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.
As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.
I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.
I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.
I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..
~ xoxo Denise
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets
~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~
Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you
Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..
May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise
Everyone Has A Story..
Please watch this Amazing Video created by Shelly Brown. May her story bless you as it did me…
EVERYONE HAS A STORY..
What is wrong with me?
Ever since I was a little girl, I felt weird in my own skin.
What is wrong with me? Why don’t I feel normal? Who Am I? These type of questions seemed to be part of my DNA. I still battle with some of the questions and many times daily, I have to replace those negative thoughts.
I have to pull down those negative thoughts and replace them with words that bring me encouragement, words that speak “life” to my brokenness.
I am smart..I am enough…I am healed…I am worthy..I am beautiful..I am loved… These are some of the affirmations I put up on my mirror, or on the wall in my closet. I place these affirmations in an area in which I can see them and say them out loud. If it is a difficult day and I am not “feeling” like an overcomer, I continue to read the positive words and choose to BELIEVE that I am those things.
When I choose to Believe the Truth and not listen to the voice of lies, it empowers me to Live past the pain.
So many young women are not able to live past the depths of the pain and those voices continue to torment and tear them down to the point that they desperately seek comfort…even at the expense of ending their life. All it takes is a moment, to share a smile, a compliment, a hug, or an encouraging word that will give someone Hope to continue to move forward.
Today, I hope to encourage someone…The one who struggles to “feel” normal…The one who is tired of fighting to be “ok” in her own skin.
You are Worthy…You are Loved…You are an Overcomer…You were Created for Greatness…Your Life has Purpose..
No matter what your situation is or what has happened to you in the past, just know that God Loves you and you can Heal.
Shine the Light..on what was done in Secret..
I recently was told by a fellow blogger, that we have to “Shine the Light on what was done in Secret“. Anxiety, Fear and Shame are some of the reasons why so many of us who were sexually abused as children choose to remain silent. By keeping the secret hidden, it gives us a false sense of control. But, I have learned that by sharing the secret, it exposes the Truth and allows Healing to come forth.
Today I would like to dedicate my Blog post to a young lady who is on her Journey to Healing. The following is her incredible testimony that will encourage you to bring awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse. Please pray for her and all of us who are in the midst of reclaiming our lives. Take the time to View the video…Share the video… and Comment.. Thank you!
My name is Shavee’ (Shavay) I’m currently 25 years old.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a coping skill that I used to deal with the trauma I had suffered was “cutting” or self-injury. I had started cutting myself at the age of 14. I didn’t self-injury because I wanted to I felt I needed to.Self-injury allowed to me dissociate or zone out from emotional pain, disturbing thoughts and memories. I usually would cut myself on my left arm, my stomach and my thighs I stopped cutting on my arm once I became a registered pharmacy technician because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was mentally unstable or “crazy.” I did have close friends that knew about what I was doing while they didn’t completely understand how I was hurting myself they stood by my side. I was even told by a someone only white people do those things.White people arent the only ones to have been abused, hurt, betrayed, alone ect…So eventually I wouldn’t talk about it anymore or people would ask me how I was and I would say “Oh I doing great.” While still secretly cutting myself. January 23,2012 I had cut and I went to the hospital where I received stitches while this wasn’t the first time I received them I told myself that would be the last time. With March being self injury awareness month I wanted to share my testimony. The enemy knew that if he could keep me quiet as he did for over 12 years that I would still be his. While I was going to church every Sunday and I was still struggling. That goes to show how the enemy is real. I could hear a word and be ok but then my past would creep up at bedtime then Im back hurting myself. Its very important to seek help and reach out because once I did I wasn’t alone anymore. I thought people would judge me or look at me differently but that wasn’t the case at all. I was embraced with hugs and people understood me while they may not have struggled with cutting they may have used alcohol, smoking or sex as their coping skills… pain is just that pain..I had to make up my mind that I wanted to live and not die. Once I made my mind up I started to fully understand that God does love me. The weapons that I formed against myself didn’t even work… Which showed me that God has need of me. I did make it 4 1/2 months cut free as I stumbled June 9, 2012. Even though I made a mistake I celebrated that I made it cut free for as long as I did. . I’m 25 now and that I was the longest that I have ever gone without self-injury. I didn’t have a pity party or dwell on the fact that I messed up because I’m human. I have to keep it moving at all times so I started over and July 9, 2012 made 1 month cut free. I just have to take it a day at a time and truly seek God at all times because He is where my help comes from.
Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.
Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.
She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.
The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom. It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
It’s Time To Burn Your Cloak..
On April 5, 2012, I had the opportunity to share my story for the first time publicly as a guest on the Ravens Closet talk show, http://ravensclosettalkshow.com/ . I was so excited counting down the days to the day in which I called, my “Day of Emancipation”. The dictionary defines Emancipation, to be free from bondage, the condition of a slave. When I read this definition, I also looked up the definition of Proclamation, which means to be free from slavery and to declare it publicly. I truly had been a slave to the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse and also to my experience of being raped.
On April 4th, I had been going over my story and reviewing what I was going to say. As I was writing a flood of emotion suddenly came over me. I felt the anger rise up from the pit of my stomach. I thought I was going to literally jump out of my skin. Every emotion that I had tried to suppress and every bit of insecurity and fear came to the surface. I began to weep and shake uncontrollably.
Every excuse I had used to this point, was no longer going to hold me back from my freedom. I knew I had to feel the pain, and the anger of the abuse. It was my right and I gave myself permission to release the shame, the guilt, the low self-esteem, the depression, the lack of trust, the nightmares and flashbacks, the overall feeling of “not being good enough”. I had carried this cloak long enough and I knew it was time for me to remove the cloak and declare power and freedom over my past.
I called my husband and shared my pain with him, I needed the support and for someone to just listen to me. I went off, not on him, but on everyone who had hurt me as a child. I expressed how I felt when my friend’s Grandfather touched me, I expressed how I felt when I was molested in the closet by the babysitter’s daughter, I expressed how I felt when I was Raped in the front seat of a car. My husband lovingly and patiently allowed me to release that pain, without judgement.
I will never forget that moment of release on April 4th and I will never forget April 5th, in which I bravely shared my story. This is only my beginning and I will never carry the heavy cloak again.
I, Denise Boyd am a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Rape. Those inhumane, violent acts of betrayal againgst me as a child, tried to destroy me, but, with God, I know that All Things Are Possible and that My Healing will oneday be Complete.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
The Dirty Little Secret..
Secrets……..
During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away. He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the “special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.
People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.
No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong? Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.
With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.
The pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.
Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.
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The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.
This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or be uncomfortable. But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.
To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.
God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.
Today, I hold onto this Truth:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
My Journey Home….to God & Self 