Being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape at 14. I lived most of my life in a fragmented mindset, pieces of my identity hidden behind the shadow of what I only allowed others to see. The secrets were suppressed and the key to that pain was locked away.
The bondage placed upon my life at the early age of 4, was meant to be a death sentence of everything good that my Mother and Grandmother stood for and the love they so lovingly wrapped me in, was now blemished. The curse had been passed down through generations and as much as they tried to protect me from abuse, I experienced this unmentionable pain in the hands of people they trusted.
Years of flashback and triggers haunted me as I covered up the pain through perfectionism, people pleasing, an eating disorder and many other coping mechanisms. Trauma after trauma tried to keep my mind in a self-denial pit of defeat. Blurring my decision making and accepting unhealthy boundaries.
On the outside I appeared to have it ALL together, picture perfect is what some would say. But, on the inside I felt scarred, damaged, worthless, unloveable and broken.
I was lost.
When I chose to face the truth and feel the pain, it was excruciating, literally debilitating and heart wrenching.
I wanted to put it all back in the pretty little box that I secretly kept hidden in the crevices of my heart.
But I couldn’t…the truth was exposed and I had to make a decision, either I was gonna fold or I was gonna fight…and I chose to fight for my freedom.
What does fighting for my freedom look like?
Everyday making a decision to do the next right thing…..in spite of depression, anxiety, ptsd, wanting to isolate, low self esteem, doubt, fear or self sabotage.
The next right thing looks
like…..accountability, intensive therapy, an eating disorder program, Celebrate Recovery: 12-step Christ centered recovery program, reaching out to others who I trust when I need support or a listening ear, prayer…lot’s of prayer, self-care, journaling, spending time with my husband, kids, granddaughter and our dog, walking preferably near salt water with the beach under my feet, fresh air, essential oils, laughter, whole food, supplements, chocolate, reading, drinking water, sipping my cup of coffee in a pretty mug, finding joy and gratitude daily…even when it’s hard and learning to love, accept love and give love.
Above all else, my relationship with God through his son Jesus is how I am learning to view myself through His Word, promises and truth. I am healing.
These are some of the tools, resources and support I have used and some I am still using to help me walk in my freedom.
Everyday I celebrate “international women’s day” as I cheer on other women who are locking arms with others who are overcoming tremendous battles (some in which others may never know about) and are taking one step at a time to courageously become liberated from what tried to destroy her.
My name is denise marie and
I AM no longer held captive…by my childhood secrets, I AM free.
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
Every attempt to conceal scars is damaging to your soul. Unleash them from the preconceived emotions that keep you bound to their power. Allow your true self to be seen, for your freedom cry is anxiously waiting for your arrival.
~Denise “So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets
While looking at this picture, a sense of fear tends to come over me. I relate this picture to the storms of life, that I have already encountered and the ones I will bravely walk thru as I continue to acknowledge and address my childhood sexual abuse. This road will lead me to my complete healing.
“THE STORM WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.
These words were announced on the national weather broadcast for the recent Oklahoma Tornado warnings. These words stuck with me and I knew I had to press on through my storm.
Remaining in the state of mind that kept me imprisoned to the abuse, was natural. I had been accustomed to the negative way of thinking, without fully realizing that I was still living as a Victim. The lack of self-esteem, the negative self-talk, the feeling of not being good enough, consumed my life. The decision to share my story and acknowledge that my innocence had been sacrificed to give someone else pleasure caused my heart to ache with immeasurable amount of pain . The heaviness alone made me want to run in the opposite direction and forgo any further “journey to healing”.
Again, I heard the warning, “THE STORM WILL BE DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.
My storm of abuse may be difficult to look back on and acknowledge but when I face the darkness of my past, I know that I am to patiently experience every dimension of my healing and Wait and to Take Cover, because, my help is near.
With God being my help. I have chosen to focus on Psalms 91:
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.
My Journey Home….to God & Self 