Tag: Hope

When zoloft & ballon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, take a run.

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Because I am WORTH IT.

I cuffed up my skinny jeans, painted my toes red and threw on a pair of flip flops.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I placed an orange and silver necklace upon my neck,  which stands out brightly upon the white t-shirt.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I no longer  conform to buying so many black items of clothing.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I take more risks and tap into my freedom.

Wow! Those  words chime like a loud cymbal in the pit of my soul! Every part of my being screams out from under the restraints of  the tidy little box..that I call my “safety”.

A place where the fear of rejection are nestled closely to her friend,  the lack of confidence.

A place where I can go unnoticed and not draw “attention” to any flaws or shortcomings.

A place where no one can take any part of me, in which I am not willing to give.

A place in my heart in which I’ve called, “home” for much too long.

Recently the color me RAD 5k run was in my city. I am not a runner, but I have this desire to push my body in a way I have never challenged it before. I want to experience the freedom of not only running, but of finishing the race.

Of course, I chuckle at the “new and improved Denise” and clearly say this with much apprehension.

It’s much like my healing journey; I want the joys of freedom, but am I willing to go thru the pain? Yes..I am.

Because..I AM WORTH IT!

This Mom is teaching her Daughter to live freely..Because She is WORTH IT.

~ xoxo Denise

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In the words of Color Me RAD: When Zoloft and balloon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, the best way to brighten your life is to run, Color Me Rad 5K.

Instead of running FROM something, get ready to run FOR something.

photo credit: http://www.colormerad.com/blog/page/9/

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April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets

My Journey Home…to God and Self's avatarMy Journey Home….to God & Self

~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~

Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you

Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..

May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise

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No longer held captive..

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~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~

Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you

Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..

May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise

Oh..the tangled web we weave..

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“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” ~ Sir Walter Scott

Children are most likely to be sexually abused by someone they know and trust…

This statement rings true in my own life. You see, I was molested by people who were closely involved in my life. There were no initial red flags saying “danger”.  I was taught to fear strangers, you know, to be afraid of the scary looking bad guy who might try to snatch me on the way to school. But I was not taught to be afraid of my childcare center teachers who required me and the other kids to remove our clothes, to take a nap. Or to be afraid of my friend’s relative who sneaked into the bedroom at night to fondle me. Or to be afraid of my babysitter’s daughter who would molest me in her closet. In each of these incidents, I was a little girl who had no reason to fear these trusted authority figures… until they touched me. My life went from normal to out of control. I did not feel safe in my own body. I no longer believed that I could be loved. I no longer looked to adults as a safe haven. Every relationship’s motive was questioned. I became withdrawn, would stop eating and would be called “bratty”. I went from the bubbly little girl, to a little girl who just didn’t know where she fit in.

The deceit was presented to me little by little, laced in a pretty little box full of “good” things. When I was showered with love, attention and kindess, it gave me every reason to trust them. The powerful tools of deception forced me to keep the secret hidden.

The weight of this bondage was tremendous but once I was able to reveal the TRUTH, than, I was able to walk in the direction of healing and restoration.

Believing the truth…first starts with admitting the truth.

It took me 40 years to share my childhood sexual abuse and rape story, and on April 5, 2012, it was the beginning of my NEW Story.

 

Slavery vs. Freedom

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My first encounter with being sexually abused, was at the early age of three years old. The effects of abuse are long-lasting and devastating.

In my teenage years, I was no longer being sexually abused. But I was “trapped” in a victims way of thinking and behaving.  I continually looked for attention from males. I craved the need to be wanted, even if it was only for sexual acts. The Webster’s dictionary defines Slavery as the “submission to a dominating force”. As a child, my trust was violated by an Adult who I trusted, which was “a dominating force” in my life. And though that force no longer hovered over me, I had continued to be enslaved to the condition of being abused. Partner after partner, continued to strip me of my value and self-worth.

Many of you can relate to my story. And you too have been enslaved to being a victim of your past abuse. I recently have been reading the story of Harriet Tubman and the following quote spoke volumes to me, “I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more, if only they knew they were slaves”. That’s it! Many of us survivors of abuse, do not “realize” that we are enslaved to our past abuse. Years after the abuse had taken place, I continued to succomb to physical and emotional pain, submission to unhealthy relationships, depression, addictions and to unwanted sexual acts.  The enslavement to remain a victim to the affects of the abuse came natural and when I made the decision to no longer live in bondage to the pain, I had to develop a new way of thinking and living. Those established behaviors and bad habits had to be broken. You see,  this new-found freedom, did not come easy and at times the old ways of thinking try to lead me back to the victim mentality Enslavement….

Today, my healing continues to unfold as God reveals to me, His Truth for my Life.

May Hope and Faith lead you to your Freedom!

Because This Broken Road, Prepares Your Will For Me.

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After I made the decision to heal from the abuse of my past, there were some day’s that I struggled to get out of bed. The demands of being a mom, a wife, an employee and the expectations that I portrayed to everyone of being a “Super Woman”,  had me stretched beyond measure.  There was a morning that my emotions were out of control, I had a nervous stomach and had been vomiting. As I stood in front of my mirror, I could barely keep the tears from falling down my face as I tried to apply my make-up, it just was not going to happen that day.  What was wrong with me? I normally can “hold it together”. I yelled to my husband and let him know that he would be the one dropping the kid’s off at school, and I dragged myself back into bed. As I laid there, I turned on the radio and heard this song, “Walk By Faith” By Jeremy Camp. The song calmed my nerves, spoke to my spirit and let me know that His Grace Covers Me.

You Are Not Alone…

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In your Journey to Healing..remember you are not alone.

The pain of a secret past,

hides deeply within your soul,

You run and hide,

only for the unmentionable nightmares to haunt you.

The regret of not telling,

causes the vile taste of guilt to rise to the tip of your throat.

In the shell of this Woman, is a little girl,  whose life has been forever changed

at the hands of an abuser.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

You only need 20 seconds of bravery, dial 1-800-656-Hope, Your Road to Recovery and Healing is near.

IN the Midst of the Storm..

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While looking at this picture, a sense of fear tends to come over me. I relate this picture to the storms of life, that I have already encountered and the ones I will bravely walk thru as I continue to acknowledge and address my childhood sexual abuse. This road will lead me to my complete healing.

“THE STORM WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.

These words were  announced on the national weather broadcast for the recent Oklahoma Tornado warnings. These words stuck with me and I knew I had to press on through my storm.

Remaining in the state of mind that kept me imprisoned to the abuse, was natural. I had been accustomed to the negative way of thinking, without fully realizing that I was still living as a Victim. The lack of self-esteem, the negative self-talk, the feeling of not being good enough, consumed my life. The decision to share my story and acknowledge that my innocence had been sacrificed to give someone else pleasure caused my heart to ache with immeasurable amount of pain . The heaviness alone made me want to run in the opposite direction and forgo any further “journey to healing”.

Again, I heard the warning, “THE STORM WILL BE DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.

My storm of abuse may be difficult to look back on and acknowledge but when I face the darkness of my past, I know that I am to patiently experience every dimension of my healing and Wait and to Take Cover, because, my help is near.

With God being my help. I have chosen to focus on Psalms 91:

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

IN the midst of the storm, I call on Jesus..

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.

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Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of  working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.

She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.

The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom.  It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not  know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©