Tag: God

Oh..the tangled web we weave..

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“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” ~ Sir Walter Scott

Children are most likely to be sexually abused by someone they know and trust…

This statement rings true in my own life. You see, I was molested by people who were closely involved in my life. There were no initial red flags saying “danger”.  I was taught to fear strangers, you know, to be afraid of the scary looking bad guy who might try to snatch me on the way to school. But I was not taught to be afraid of my childcare center teachers who required me and the other kids to remove our clothes, to take a nap. Or to be afraid of my friend’s relative who sneaked into the bedroom at night to fondle me. Or to be afraid of my babysitter’s daughter who would molest me in her closet. In each of these incidents, I was a little girl who had no reason to fear these trusted authority figures… until they touched me. My life went from normal to out of control. I did not feel safe in my own body. I no longer believed that I could be loved. I no longer looked to adults as a safe haven. Every relationship’s motive was questioned. I became withdrawn, would stop eating and would be called “bratty”. I went from the bubbly little girl, to a little girl who just didn’t know where she fit in.

The deceit was presented to me little by little, laced in a pretty little box full of “good” things. When I was showered with love, attention and kindess, it gave me every reason to trust them. The powerful tools of deception forced me to keep the secret hidden.

The weight of this bondage was tremendous but once I was able to reveal the TRUTH, than, I was able to walk in the direction of healing and restoration.

Believing the truth…first starts with admitting the truth.

It took me 40 years to share my childhood sexual abuse and rape story, and on April 5, 2012, it was the beginning of my NEW Story.

 

It’s a 2 bowls of ice cream kind of day….

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Sitting on the lazy boy this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I glance over my left shoulder and see the results of my love of ice cream….uuuggghhhh….emotional eating at its finest…
I could not figure out what was triggering me to scarf down half of the cookies and cream AND orange sherbert in one sitting? I wanted to quickly discard of the evidence so the kids and hubby would not know that Mom ate so much of the carton. But..it was too late, they already knew it was in the freezer and they would be looking for it after dinner. My weakness will be exposed, I might as well prepare myself to face the music and possible blank looks of disbelief that Mom could actually devour that much ice cream! At this point, I can only laugh at myself to keep from crying.
What is wrong with me? Our morning was wonderful, the message at church was incredible. Our Pastor spoke about Abraham and Sarah. As I sat there taking notes and embracing every word he said, I felt as if he was speaking directly to me. Thats it…the emotional binge eating this afternoon is a direct response to my anxious emotions of what I know I have to be obediant in. God is working on my heart and I have to change if I want to see changes in my life…ouch…sometimes it really bites to realize “we are not in control” of our EVERYTHING, and in order to allow God to work in our lives, we have to truly Let Go and Trust Him. As much as I thought I was trusting Him, I was controlling so many areas and people in my life, how could I expect God to do His work if I was in the way? I was giving God my problems, but I was also giving Him MY solution…
I was overcome with emotion when I could finally “see” that I was in the way of what God is trying to do in my life. I took a moment in prayer and asked God to forgive me. And I asked Him to Lead my Journey…

Because This Broken Road, Prepares Your Will For Me.

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After I made the decision to heal from the abuse of my past, there were some day’s that I struggled to get out of bed. The demands of being a mom, a wife, an employee and the expectations that I portrayed to everyone of being a “Super Woman”,  had me stretched beyond measure.  There was a morning that my emotions were out of control, I had a nervous stomach and had been vomiting. As I stood in front of my mirror, I could barely keep the tears from falling down my face as I tried to apply my make-up, it just was not going to happen that day.  What was wrong with me? I normally can “hold it together”. I yelled to my husband and let him know that he would be the one dropping the kid’s off at school, and I dragged myself back into bed. As I laid there, I turned on the radio and heard this song, “Walk By Faith” By Jeremy Camp. The song calmed my nerves, spoke to my spirit and let me know that His Grace Covers Me.

Shine the Light..on what was done in Secret..

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I recently was told by a fellow blogger, that we have to “Shine the Light on what was done in Secret“.  Anxiety, Fear and Shame are some of the reasons why so many of us who were sexually abused as children choose to remain silent. By keeping the secret hidden, it gives us a false sense of control. But, I have learned that by sharing the secret,  it exposes the Truth and allows Healing to come forth.

Today I would like to dedicate my Blog post to a young lady who is on her Journey to Healing. The following is her incredible testimony that will encourage you to bring awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.  Please pray for her and all of us who are in the midst of reclaiming our lives.  Take the time to View the video…Share the video… and Comment.. Thank you!

My name is Shavee’  (Shavay) I’m currently 25 years old.  

I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a coping skill that I used to deal with the trauma I had suffered was “cutting” or self-injury. I had started cutting myself at the age of 14. I didn’t self-injury because I wanted to I felt I needed to.Self-injury allowed to me dissociate or zone out from emotional pain, disturbing thoughts and memories. I usually would cut myself on my left arm, my stomach and my thighs I stopped cutting on my arm once I became a registered pharmacy technician because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was mentally unstable or “crazy.” I did have close friends that knew about what I was doing while they didn’t completely understand how I was hurting myself they stood by my side. I was even told by a someone only white people do those things.White people arent the only ones to have been abused, hurt, betrayed, alone ect…So eventually I wouldn’t talk about it anymore or people would ask me how I was and I would say “Oh I doing great.” While still secretly cutting myself. January 23,2012 I had cut and I went to the hospital where I received stitches while this wasn’t the first time I received them I told myself that would be the last time.  With March being self injury awareness month I wanted to share my testimony. The enemy knew that if he could keep me quiet as he did for over 12 years that I would still be his. While I was going to church every Sunday and I was still struggling. That goes to show how the enemy is real. I could hear a word and be ok but then my past would creep up at bedtime then Im back hurting myself. Its very important to seek help and reach out because once I did I wasn’t alone anymore. I thought people would judge me or look at me differently but that wasn’t the case at all. I was embraced with hugs and people understood me while they may not have struggled with cutting they may have used alcohol, smoking or sex as their coping skills… pain is just that pain..I had to make up my mind that I wanted to live and not die. Once I made my mind up I started to fully understand that God does love me. The weapons that I formed against myself didn’t even work… Which showed me that God has need of me. I did make it 4 1/2 months cut free as I stumbled June 9, 2012. Even though I made a mistake I celebrated that I made it cut free for as long as I did. .  I’m 25 now and that I was the longest that I have ever gone without self-injury. I didn’t have a pity party or dwell on the fact that I messed up because I’m human. I have to keep it moving at all times so I started over and July 9, 2012 made 1 month cut free. I just have to take it a day at a time and truly seek God at all times because He is where my help comes from.

IN the Midst of the Storm..

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While looking at this picture, a sense of fear tends to come over me. I relate this picture to the storms of life, that I have already encountered and the ones I will bravely walk thru as I continue to acknowledge and address my childhood sexual abuse. This road will lead me to my complete healing.

“THE STORM WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.

These words were  announced on the national weather broadcast for the recent Oklahoma Tornado warnings. These words stuck with me and I knew I had to press on through my storm.

Remaining in the state of mind that kept me imprisoned to the abuse, was natural. I had been accustomed to the negative way of thinking, without fully realizing that I was still living as a Victim. The lack of self-esteem, the negative self-talk, the feeling of not being good enough, consumed my life. The decision to share my story and acknowledge that my innocence had been sacrificed to give someone else pleasure caused my heart to ache with immeasurable amount of pain . The heaviness alone made me want to run in the opposite direction and forgo any further “journey to healing”.

Again, I heard the warning, “THE STORM WILL BE DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.

My storm of abuse may be difficult to look back on and acknowledge but when I face the darkness of my past, I know that I am to patiently experience every dimension of my healing and Wait and to Take Cover, because, my help is near.

With God being my help. I have chosen to focus on Psalms 91:

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

IN the midst of the storm, I call on Jesus..

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.

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Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of  working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.

She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.

The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom.  It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not  know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..I Strive..

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From this day forth, I strive to tell the

  • Authentic  “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character”
  • Unadulterated  ”not diluted or made impure”
  • Truth “a verified or indisputable fact”

Of, My story about being sexually molested as a child and raped as a teenager.

Over the years, I learned how to mask the hurt, pain and turmoil. As of yet, I have not shared my story with some of my closest friends or many of my family members. Some may say, I am the ultimate actress in this role I call, My Life.  Yes, in order to cope, I had to seperate myself from the little girl who was abused. But at 42 years of age, those acts of violation againgst me, affected who I was, and held me back from who God truly inteded for me to be. It was time for me to heal.

In this journey, I use the following statement of truth to remind myself of who I am and who I have become, “I am beautifully created, smart and funny. I take pride in being a great Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, and Friend. I am a professional woman who is Loved and Respected. People want to be around me because they like me, and not because they want to use my body for their pleasure”.  The affirmations and declarations I use are an imperative part of my healing.

Reading and writing poetry has always been one of my passions, in Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” poem, there is a section that says, “Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries”. It goes on to say, Still…I Rise, I Rise, I Rise“.

The abusers may have tried to break me, by unknowingly keeping me in a lifetime of bondage to the “hidden” parts of my life. When I release those secrets, I allow myself to feel the deep pain caused by the abuse. In the privacy of my home, normally in my room, I reflect on the abuse. The overwhelming feeling of heartache consumes me and has caused me to fall to the ground, roll up in a ball, and lay there in a fetal position. The amount of pain that I carry in my soul can be debilitating. (when reflecting on the pain, always make sure you have a support system nearby, for your safety)

In those moments, I cry out to God and hold onto my Faith. He helps me to Rise with Strength and with Power to overcome the hurt, guilt, shame and depression. The following video is of Whitney Houston singing, “I Look to You”. It is a powerful song that depicts the ultimate need for Grace, Love and Acceptance that I’ve learned can only be fulfilled by my relationship with God.

As I move forward in this Healing Journey, I will always continue to Look To You, which comes my help.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Dirty Little Secret..

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Secrets……..

During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away.  He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the “special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.

People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.

No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong? Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.

With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.

The pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.

Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.

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The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.

This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or be uncomfortable. But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.

To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.

God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.

Today, I hold onto this Truth:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Denise Boyd Copyright ©