Tag: childhood sexual abuse
25 likes on facebook..changed everything…
25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…
On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!
Or so..I thought.
As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.
As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.
I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.
I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.
I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..
~ xoxo Denise
Look Me In The Eye…
Look me in the eye –
It’s OK if you’re scared, so am I.
But we’re scared for different reasons.
I’m scared of what I won’t become
And you’re scared of what I could become.
Look at me –
I won’t let myself end where I started.
I won’t let myself finish where I began.
I know what is within me,
Even if you can’t see it yet.
Look me in the eyes –
I have something more important than courage,
I have patience,
I will become what I know I am.
– Michael Jordan
Not believing the hype of wearing an “S” on my chest..
Like many of you Mom’s out there,
At times, I struggle with balancing life’s demands.
Tackling multiple projects at home and work, juggling hectic schedules and commitments..trying to meet the needs of my children, husband, friends and extended family.
Proudly announcing to whoever will listen, that I AM WOMAN!
Running around, pounding the “S” on my chest, with my eyes bugged out, looking less like the sexy SuperWoman, but more like a frazzled, stressed out Mama in need of a pedicure.
While listening way too much to the little voice that whispers..your never going to be good enough.. therefore..keeping me trapped in the lie of never measuring up to the woman, that I have put on that unrealistic platform of perfection.
Ouch..it hurts to read those words. You see…as easy as it is to place the blame on someone else, I had to admit, that I choose to live this way.
You see, from the time I was a little girl, I had this overwhelming need to be needed.
So as an adult, I had to stop and recognize the unhealthy behavior that continues to try to hinder my healing.
Today, I am believeing that my value and worth is based on WHO I AM and not because of what I can do.
~ xoxo Denise
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets
~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~
Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you
Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..
May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise
Everyone Has A Story..
Please watch this Amazing Video created by Shelly Brown. May her story bless you as it did me…
EVERYONE HAS A STORY..
No longer held captive..
~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~
Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you
Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..
May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise
Oh where..oh where..could it be?
What is the most precious thing you have ever lost? Really..take a moment and remember how you felt when you lost it..now..how did it make you feel?
For me, that question brought chills down my spine as I never have completly recovered from losing my most precious possession.
When an item is lost, you find yourself frantically looking EVERYWHERE. You look high and low, above and beneath, between and around, just about every crack and crevice will be inspected. You track and retrack every step, going in circles, just hoping that it will turn up.
You begin to question yourself and think that possibly you never had it in the first place and maybe you left the item safely tucked away at home.
But reality sets in when you truly realize that the item is nowhere to be found.
When I was a child, my innocence was lost taken. The moment I was violated….my life changed.
Years after the incidents of being molested as a child and raped at the age of 14. I lived in a whirlwind aftermath of always “looking for something”.
In my teenage years, I needed attention and was constantly looking to men for validation. Sex became a major motivator in my quest for acceptance and love.
The countless names or faces of every partner is difficult to recollect. During the “act” I emotionally removed myself and became simply a vessel for someone else’s satisfaction.
Today…the searching has been replaced with “recovering” as I continue on my journey to healing.
FAITH…it does not make things easy..it makes them possible. Luke 1:37
Oh..the tangled web we weave..
“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” ~ Sir Walter Scott
Children are most likely to be sexually abused by someone they know and trust…
This statement rings true in my own life. You see, I was molested by people who were closely involved in my life. There were no initial red flags saying “danger”. I was taught to fear strangers, you know, to be afraid of the scary looking bad guy who might try to snatch me on the way to school. But I was not taught to be afraid of my childcare center teachers who required me and the other kids to remove our clothes, to take a nap. Or to be afraid of my friend’s relative who sneaked into the bedroom at night to fondle me. Or to be afraid of my babysitter’s daughter who would molest me in her closet. In each of these incidents, I was a little girl who had no reason to fear these trusted authority figures… until they touched me. My life went from normal to out of control. I did not feel safe in my own body. I no longer believed that I could be loved. I no longer looked to adults as a safe haven. Every relationship’s motive was questioned. I became withdrawn, would stop eating and would be called “bratty”. I went from the bubbly little girl, to a little girl who just didn’t know where she fit in.
The deceit was presented to me little by little, laced in a pretty little box full of “good” things. When I was showered with love, attention and kindess, it gave me every reason to trust them. The powerful tools of deception forced me to keep the secret hidden.
The weight of this bondage was tremendous but once I was able to reveal the TRUTH, than, I was able to walk in the direction of healing and restoration.
Believing the truth…first starts with admitting the truth.
It took me 40 years to share my childhood sexual abuse and rape story, and on April 5, 2012, it was the beginning of my NEW Story.
To Break the Seal of Secrecy…
To Cover-up is a concerted effort to keep an illegal or unethical act or situation from being made public (Webster’s Dictionary)
Pedofiles will use many tools to protect their image. They are skilled in deception and will lie to you and others; They will not only manipulate you but will be a master puppeteer in all areas of there life to benefit their own desires. They will deceive you into believeing that you need them and without them, you will are “less of” a person. Some may flatter you with gifts and make you feel special. Ultimately they will do whatever it takes to keep the secret sealed. Fear begins to play a major factor in the holding of “the secret”. You, will buy-in to the lie and begin to blame yourself. You would much rather keep the secret hidden, rather than risk the redicule of no one believing your story.
During this past month, I have crossed the paths of several people who have experienced being abused and they shared their story with me. In one incident, I had a conversation with the father of a victim. He had protected his daughter from the abuse that had happened to her by her step-dad and step-brother while living in her biological moms home. The pain in his eyes as he told me the story continues to haunt me. You see, he had protected his daughter from her abusers for 12 years, and when his daughter recently turned 18, she moved out of his home and returned to the home in which the abuse occurred. Because she is an “adult”, there is nothing legally he can do.
An 18 year old young lady, shared her rape and sexual abuse story with me. When she was 13 years old, she had spent alot of time at a family friends home. One night, the husband of the family friend came into her room and took her innocence. All adults involved in this young lady’s life at the time, had proof that the abuse happened, but chose to protect the pedofile and swept the crime under the carpet. The Pastor of their church decided to counsel the pedofile and his wife and asked the victim to keep quiet.
I had a “confidential” conversation with a teenager who told me that a former youth ministry leader, had confessed to her that she had been having a sexual relationship with a college student who is actively involved in the youth group. The college student is 21 years old, and the youth leader is in her 30’s. Though the college student is a “consenting adult”, the youth leader was a trusted adult in a leadership role and clearly crossed all ethical and moral boundaries.
She recently removed herself from the church and is not a youth leader. But…her behavior has not been exposed to the church leadership or to the parents of this college student. I was told this information and asked to keep it confidential due to the amount of stress it would cause the people involved…But how could I sit by idly? Remaining quiet, goes against every fiber in my being.
Numerous stories like these flood the media, yet..many survivors continue to live in shame and countless victims continue to be abused.
Author and Speaker Ressurrection Graves, powerfully talks about overcoming emotional and childhood sexual abuse. In her blog, she has a petition to help make child sexual abuse grooming a felony. I have signed the petition and I am asking everyone to please sign the petition as well.
Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I am determined more than ever to continue to share my story and will encourage others to Break the Seal of Secrecy.
~ xoxo Denise
My Journey Home….to God & Self 