Tag: Blogging
No longer held captive by chaos…
Fast talking,
heart pumping
overthinking
everything.
This nervous energy
was driven by
an attempt
to hide behind
the inability
to trust,
even my
own instincts.
Trauma
groomed me
into believing
that I was nothing
outside of what
I did for others.
Unknowingly,
it kept
me bound,
to things out of
my control.
I’ve learned,
to walk away
from the chaos,
and to step
into my
true authentic self.
For there is where,
I am happy,
and for there is where,
I am free.
~Denise
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
No longer held captive by…isolation
I lost a close friend this week.
My heart hurts as I battled with thoughts of “why didn’t I call her on Friday”, “why wasn’t I there to check on her when she needed me?”
Then in a quiet voice, God quickly reminded me that HE was there.
In an instant I began to celebrate all of our deep conversations about God and how much she loved him, our laughing at the silliest of things until we cried hysterically. The dinners, the kids parties, our funny dance moves, the cries on each other’s shoulders and the bear hugs that reminded each other that no matter what, everything was gonna be alright.
This loss, is devastating on so many levels especially for her sweet children, spouse, family and close friends.
But in the midst of these tears, more than ever I want to encourage you to reach out for help if you need it, your not alone and isolation is a breeding ground for lies, deception and defeat.
Reach out and tell someone…
anyone…that you need help.
I guarantee you, that you are not forgotten, and there is hope.💗
~ Denise xoxo
Speak your Truth…
25 likes on facebook..changed everything…
25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…
On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!
Or so..I thought.
As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.
As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.
I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.
I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.
I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..
~ xoxo Denise
When zoloft & ballon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, take a run.
Because I am WORTH IT.
I cuffed up my skinny jeans, painted my toes red and threw on a pair of flip flops.
Because I am WORTH IT.
I placed an orange and silver necklace upon my neck, which stands out brightly upon the white t-shirt.
Because I am WORTH IT.
I no longer conform to buying so many black items of clothing.
Because I am WORTH IT.
I take more risks and tap into my freedom.
Wow! Those words chime like a loud cymbal in the pit of my soul! Every part of my being screams out from under the restraints of the tidy little box..that I call my “safety”.
A place where the fear of rejection are nestled closely to her friend, the lack of confidence.
A place where I can go unnoticed and not draw “attention” to any flaws or shortcomings.
A place where no one can take any part of me, in which I am not willing to give.
A place in my heart in which I’ve called, “home” for much too long.
Recently the color me RAD 5k run was in my city. I am not a runner, but I have this desire to push my body in a way I have never challenged it before. I want to experience the freedom of not only running, but of finishing the race.
Of course, I chuckle at the “new and improved Denise” and clearly say this with much apprehension.
It’s much like my healing journey; I want the joys of freedom, but am I willing to go thru the pain? Yes..I am.
Because..I AM WORTH IT!
This Mom is teaching her Daughter to live freely..Because She is WORTH IT.
~ xoxo Denise
In the words of Color Me RAD: When Zoloft and balloon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, the best way to brighten your life is to run, Color Me Rad 5K.
Instead of running FROM something, get ready to run FOR something.
photo credit: http://www.colormerad.com/blog/page/9/
Quotes, Cliches & Bad Timing…
There were times in my life, that I did not believe this statement, “You were given this life, because you were strong enough to handle it”. Ummmm….Which part was I given and expected to be strong enough to handle?
Over the years I have been told this cliche and several others by many people. And at the time, it totally caught me off guard and I may not have responded to the person in a kind and respectful manner. Can you say..bad timing?! You see, I understand that they may have been trying to “encourage me”, but in the midst of a struggle, crisis, mini meltdown.. I would say, that the above statement is something I DID NOT want to hear.
If you were not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, you really don’t have a clue clear understanding of what we are going thru or how we should handle it. Questions like, ” how come you are still not able to move on from the abuse that happened so long ago?”
On this healing journey, there may be days that I don’t wear my smile and at times I may allow the pain to out shine my sunny demeanor, but.. it does not mean I don’t have Faith, it only means that I am human. We can be strong in so many areas, but every now and then we need someone to hold our hand and say that everything will be alright.
I know many people are uncomfortable discussing the subject and really don’t know what to say. But a great response, which is full of grace, would be “even though I completly don’t understand what you are going thru, just know I am here for you, and I am praying for you. I know it hurts like hell heck, but I am believing that Everything will be ok“.
Yes….Everything will be ok.
What is wrong with me?
Ever since I was a little girl, I felt weird in my own skin.
What is wrong with me? Why don’t I feel normal? Who Am I? These type of questions seemed to be part of my DNA. I still battle with some of the questions and many times daily, I have to replace those negative thoughts.
I have to pull down those negative thoughts and replace them with words that bring me encouragement, words that speak “life” to my brokenness.
I am smart..I am enough…I am healed…I am worthy..I am beautiful..I am loved… These are some of the affirmations I put up on my mirror, or on the wall in my closet. I place these affirmations in an area in which I can see them and say them out loud. If it is a difficult day and I am not “feeling” like an overcomer, I continue to read the positive words and choose to BELIEVE that I am those things.
When I choose to Believe the Truth and not listen to the voice of lies, it empowers me to Live past the pain.
So many young women are not able to live past the depths of the pain and those voices continue to torment and tear them down to the point that they desperately seek comfort…even at the expense of ending their life. All it takes is a moment, to share a smile, a compliment, a hug, or an encouraging word that will give someone Hope to continue to move forward.
Today, I hope to encourage someone…The one who struggles to “feel” normal…The one who is tired of fighting to be “ok” in her own skin.
You are Worthy…You are Loved…You are an Overcomer…You were Created for Greatness…Your Life has Purpose..
No matter what your situation is or what has happened to you in the past, just know that God Loves you and you can Heal.
IN the Midst of the Storm..
While looking at this picture, a sense of fear tends to come over me. I relate this picture to the storms of life, that I have already encountered and the ones I will bravely walk thru as I continue to acknowledge and address my childhood sexual abuse. This road will lead me to my complete healing.
“THE STORM WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.
These words were announced on the national weather broadcast for the recent Oklahoma Tornado warnings. These words stuck with me and I knew I had to press on through my storm.
Remaining in the state of mind that kept me imprisoned to the abuse, was natural. I had been accustomed to the negative way of thinking, without fully realizing that I was still living as a Victim. The lack of self-esteem, the negative self-talk, the feeling of not being good enough, consumed my life. The decision to share my story and acknowledge that my innocence had been sacrificed to give someone else pleasure caused my heart to ache with immeasurable amount of pain . The heaviness alone made me want to run in the opposite direction and forgo any further “journey to healing”.
Again, I heard the warning, “THE STORM WILL BE DIFFICULT TO SEE IN THE DARK. DO NOT WAIT. TAKE COVER NOW”.
My storm of abuse may be difficult to look back on and acknowledge but when I face the darkness of my past, I know that I am to patiently experience every dimension of my healing and Wait and to Take Cover, because, my help is near.
With God being my help. I have chosen to focus on Psalms 91:
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.
IN the midst of the storm, I call on Jesus..
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
The Dirty Little Secret..
Secrets……..
During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away. He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the “special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.
People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.
No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong? Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.
With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.
The pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.
Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.
*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.
This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or be uncomfortable. But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.
To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.
God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.
Today, I hold onto this Truth:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
My Journey Home….to God & Self 