Tag: Blog
No longer held captive by…fear
She is called my beloved.
intentionally…
strategically…
unapologetically…
fighting for her freedom.
through the self-defeating,
misrepresentation of an
unwelcomed
unannounced visitor,
who goes by the name of…
“the former self-doubting version” of herself.
she sits quietly
crouched between
“who I used to be”…
and
“who I am now”…
as she anticipates the arrival of,
“who I’m becoming”.
she is called my beloved.
endlessly…
evolving…
and transforming
from the lies that lay
dormant between the confines
of her own mind,
and other’s restrictive insecurities.
she is called my beloved.
courageously crafting her next move,
determined to win this battle gracefully…
she is called my beloved.
step by step,
she painfully
pulls back each layer,
and exposes
the truth…
unmasked.
she is called my beloved.
her new identity,
outweighs the former entanglement of despair.
she is called my beloved.
branded with the heart of a lion…
she fearlessly arises.
She is called my Beloved,
and I am she.
xoxo – Denise
Words that are silenced, are lethal secrets to destroy your soul. Speak your truth.💗
No longer held captive by…loneliness
Deep wounds can begin to form when we feel forgotten. We begin to ask questions such as, “What’s wrong with me?” and “Why was I not included?”
Feelings of being forgotten…
if we allow ourself to remain in that state of despair, you will begin to spiral into a dark place which allows depression and isolation to form walls around you.
In the past, I was very familiar with the lies of feeling “forgotten” and today I
want you to know that you are important, valued, loved and seen.
Not just for what you can do for others, but for simply being you.
Those that love you, may not even know that you are struggling.
I encourage you today, to reach out to someone and let them know that you need them…and if they don’t respond with grace….then reach out to the next person…or the next one…or the next one…until you find someone who is really there for you.
You are not alone, you are not forgotten. Don’t give up.
~ xoxo Denise
“Don’t fear because I am with you, don’t be afraid for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will hold you up and keep a firm grip on you”.
-Isaiah 41:10
No longer held captive…by depression
They call her Joy.
she tries to hide in darkness…
but when you find her…
in the most inconspicuous places…
introduce yourself…
treasure her…
and never let her go.
xoxo Denise
The Joy of the Lord is my strength. -Nehemiah 8:10
No longer held captive…by rejection
You are my masterpiece
Created in my perfect image
There is none like you
I made sure of that
Uniquely crafted
Genuinely created for greatness
You are wanted
Never rejected
Loved beyond measure.
His love endures forever – Psalm 118:2
xoxo Denise
No longer held captive…by anxiety
Every broken heart
cries out to this earth for its healing…
You won’t find it
in your unending need
for approval…
those aren’t the places that I intended for you to seek truth…
look to me my daughter
there you will find your worth.
Hear my whisper?
Draw near to me…
like a firefly to its flame.
bring me your alabaster box..
and break its chains that surround you.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. ~ John 8:36
Spring of ’84
The Latin word rapere “to seize,” from which rape is derived
I was very excited to be going on my first date with this guy that I had met at the mall. He was tall, with an athletic built. He was very handsome, quite charming and very polite. When he came to my house to pick me up, he was a proven gentleman by saying all the right things to my Mom and getting the green light to take her daughter out to dinner.
As we walked to his car, he quickly opened the car door for me and we drove off.
It was in the evening around 7:00pm, we were on our way to a late dinner. As we passed by my high school, he proceeded to drive into the parking lot. I looked at him with a nervous smile and asked him why are we here?
He let me know that we had some time to kill before dinner and he wanted to hang out and talk before we go to the restaurant.
The talking quickly lead to kissing, which lead to him getting on top of me, pulling my skirt up and entering me. I told him I was a virgin and begged him to stop and that he was hurting me.. his response, “I will be gentle”.
The charming and polite gentlemen, quickly turned into a cold, self-gratifying, jerk.
I felt dizzy, as my head was spinning, and every emotion from anger, shock and despair engulfed me. I couldn’t believe what was happening.
The next thing I hear is a tap..tap..tap.. on the window and a light flashing into the drivers side.
He immediately jumps off of me and pulls up his pants.
He rolled the down the window, and it was a police officer. The officer asks us what we are doing and asks for his license.
The officer than shines his light on me, and asks me for my name and birthdate. I give him my real name, but a fake birthdate, I pretended to be 17, (the age I told the guy, when I met him at the mall) now I told the same lie to the officer. In actuality, I was 14 and the guy was 19.
You see, even though I was being violated,
I was too afraid to tell the truth.
I felt like, since I had lied, it was as if I had deserved it.
The officer looked at me with disappointing eyes, shook his head and told us to leave the high school property.
He drove me home, kissed me on my cheek and told me that he had a great night.
Without responding, I got out of the car, went into the house, took a shower…and cried.
I felt like I wanted to die.
I didn’t tell anyone about the rape until I was an adult. I felt like it was my fault and I blamed myself for everything…
Things that played out in my head were:
I shouldn’t have lied…
I shouldn’t have went on the date…
I shouldn’t have worn a skirt…
I should’ve told him no, I didn’t want to go to my high school parking lot…
I should’ve screamed and fought him…
I should’ve told the police officer what happened…
I’m nothing…
I’m dirty…
I hate myself.
Those words haunted me for years…
TODAY, I know that I was not to blame.
That it wasn’t my fault…
It’s not the clothes that I wore..
or what I looked like..
or what I said…
or what I did or did not do.
I did not encourage him or provoke him to rape me.
Today, I no longer live in shame.
*********************************************
National Sexual Assault Hotline
https://rainn.org/ 1-800-656-4673(HOPE)
No turning back…
What do I see in the depths of her heart?
but a child so pure, innocent and set apart…
apart from the filth and innocence robbed…
apart from the trusting hands that cradled her soul…
took her aside and stole what was not theirs…
apart from lies and deep secrets untold…
childhood nightmares…
try to continue to unfold…
give her air…
so she can breathe…
open the window and set her…
Free.
Being 9 years old, I did not understand the sick logic of an old man and his ungodly desire to violate children. Why would the same person who brought so much joy to a family, bring pain? He was a lion in sheep’s clothing, and the least likely to ever be accused of such a crime. The burden he placed upon us to “keep a secret”, was the ultimate breach of trust against generations of children.
To be set free from the pain of my past, everyday I have to believe that I have a choice…
A choice to listen to the lies or the truth
To see myself as healed or broken
To live with shame or to live unashamed
To speak or to silence my voice.
You see, to declare that I’m no longer held captive by my childhood secrets, requires a daily willingness to change how I view myself and a determination to never be bound to that pain again.
~ Denise
Who the Son sets free is free indeed. John 8:36
Above all else Stand…
There were so many years that I struggled with the overwhelming hurt of the little girl within me.
On the outside people saw the smile, the beauty, the “perfect” image that I tried so hard to sustain.
They say secrets make you sick…
I say…those secrets will grow legs and make itself known in the ugliest of ways…
My secrets manifested itself as depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, excessive control and various health issues.
Words like PTSD…Intensive outpatient therapy…and Recovery became an ongoing conversation with my Doctor.
I could no longer hide it…
The little girl in me…
The one who was crying out to be seen…
She rose up… And declared her freedom.
~ Denise
Quiet the voice of deceit…
de·ceit \ the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid
I think I am angry…
No, I know I am angry…
and I am really angry at you.
It happened over and over again, and you sat there and did nothing…
I know you didn’t want to betray me…
but you did…
I blamed you…..
I accused you….
and I despised you….
and most of all…
I hated you for not protecting me…
The innocence that was stripped from the loins of this little girl, brought years of heartache, shame and self hate.
This taunting voice of deception…
came in order to remind me of my past.
This direct battle between good and evil….
truth and lies…
hope and despair....
was an attempt to try to destroy me…
and keep me bound to pain.
Today, I bravely look at every jagged edge that was piercing the most sacred areas of my heart…
I boldly speak truth to those broken places…
I see worth…value…and the unending love,
that He so gracefully pours over me…covering me…protecting me.
Piece by piece, I am made whole.
~Denise
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32
My Journey Home….to God & Self 