It’s a 2 bowls of ice cream kind of day….

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Sitting on the lazy boy this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I glance over my left shoulder and see the results of my love of ice cream….uuuggghhhh….emotional eating at its finest…
I could not figure out what was triggering me to scarf down half of the cookies and cream AND orange sherbert in one sitting? I wanted to quickly discard of the evidence so the kids and hubby would not know that Mom ate so much of the carton. But..it was too late, they already knew it was in the freezer and they would be looking for it after dinner. My weakness will be exposed, I might as well prepare myself to face the music and possible blank looks of disbelief that Mom could actually devour that much ice cream! At this point, I can only laugh at myself to keep from crying.
What is wrong with me? Our morning was wonderful, the message at church was incredible. Our Pastor spoke about Abraham and Sarah. As I sat there taking notes and embracing every word he said, I felt as if he was speaking directly to me. Thats it…the emotional binge eating this afternoon is a direct response to my anxious emotions of what I know I have to be obediant in. God is working on my heart and I have to change if I want to see changes in my life…ouch…sometimes it really bites to realize “we are not in control” of our EVERYTHING, and in order to allow God to work in our lives, we have to truly Let Go and Trust Him. As much as I thought I was trusting Him, I was controlling so many areas and people in my life, how could I expect God to do His work if I was in the way? I was giving God my problems, but I was also giving Him MY solution…
I was overcome with emotion when I could finally “see” that I was in the way of what God is trying to do in my life. I took a moment in prayer and asked God to forgive me. And I asked Him to Lead my Journey…

Quotes, Cliches & Bad Timing…

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There were times in my life, that I did not believe this statement, “You were given this life, because you were strong enough to handle it”. Ummmm….Which part was I given and expected to be strong enough to handle?

Over the years I have been told this cliche and several others by many people. And at the time, it totally caught me off guard and I may not have responded to the person in a kind and respectful manner. Can you say..bad timing?!  You see, I understand that they may have been trying to “encourage me”, but in the midst of a struggle, crisis, mini meltdown.. I would say, that the above statement is something I DID NOT want to hear.

If you were not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, you really don’t have a clue clear understanding of what we are going thru or how we should handle it. Questions like, ” how come you are still not able to move on from the abuse that happened so long ago?”

On this healing journey, there may be days that I don’t wear my smile and at times I may allow the pain to out shine my sunny demeanor, but.. it does not mean I don’t have Faith, it only means that I am human. We can be strong in so many areas, but every now and then we need someone to hold our hand and say that everything will be alright.

I know many people are uncomfortable discussing the subject and really don’t know what to say. But a great response, which is full of grace, would be “even though I completly don’t understand what you are going thru, just know I am here for you, and I am praying for you. I know it hurts like hell heck, but I am believing that Everything will be ok“.

Yes….Everything will be ok.

What is wrong with me?

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Ever since I was a little girl, I felt weird in my own skin.

What is wrong with me? Why don’t I feel normal? Who Am I? These type of questions seemed to be part of my DNA. I still battle with some of the questions and many times daily, I have to replace those negative thoughts.

I have to pull down those negative thoughts and replace them with words that bring me encouragement, words that speak “life” to my brokenness.

I am smart..I am enough…I am healed…I am worthy..I am beautiful..I am loved… These are some of the affirmations I put up on my mirror, or on the wall in my closet. I place these affirmations in an area in which I can see them and say them out loud. If it is a difficult day and I am not “feeling” like an overcomer, I continue to read the positive words and choose to BELIEVE that I am those things.

When I choose to Believe the Truth and not listen to the voice of lies, it empowers me to Live past the pain.

So many young women are not able to live past the depths of the pain and those voices continue to torment and tear them down to the point that they desperately seek comfort…even at the expense of ending their life. All it takes is a moment, to share a smile, a compliment, a hug, or an encouraging word that will give someone Hope to continue to move forward.

Today, I hope to encourage someone…The one who struggles to “feel” normal…The one who is tired of fighting to be “ok” in her own skin.

You are Worthy…You are Loved…You are an Overcomer…You were Created for Greatness…Your Life has Purpose.. 

No matter what your situation is or what has happened to you in the past, just know that God Loves you and you can Heal.

The Petals of her Flower…

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The ugly truth….

No!

Be quiet..

Stop, I’m a Virgin!

It’s ok..

Silence..

her  legs tightly close….

her body tenses up….

he continues to pursue the forbidden fruit of this 14 year old girl..

Please don’t!

It hurts!

Silence….

overcome by emotion…her head is spinning…her prized possession is painfully burning…

and she no longer is draped by the petals of her flower.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

               

Slavery vs. Freedom

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My first encounter with being sexually abused, was at the early age of three years old. The effects of abuse are long-lasting and devastating.

In my teenage years, I was no longer being sexually abused. But I was “trapped” in a victims way of thinking and behaving.  I continually looked for attention from males. I craved the need to be wanted, even if it was only for sexual acts. The Webster’s dictionary defines Slavery as the “submission to a dominating force”. As a child, my trust was violated by an Adult who I trusted, which was “a dominating force” in my life. And though that force no longer hovered over me, I had continued to be enslaved to the condition of being abused. Partner after partner, continued to strip me of my value and self-worth.

Many of you can relate to my story. And you too have been enslaved to being a victim of your past abuse. I recently have been reading the story of Harriet Tubman and the following quote spoke volumes to me, “I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more, if only they knew they were slaves”. That’s it! Many of us survivors of abuse, do not “realize” that we are enslaved to our past abuse. Years after the abuse had taken place, I continued to succomb to physical and emotional pain, submission to unhealthy relationships, depression, addictions and to unwanted sexual acts.  The enslavement to remain a victim to the affects of the abuse came natural and when I made the decision to no longer live in bondage to the pain, I had to develop a new way of thinking and living. Those established behaviors and bad habits had to be broken. You see,  this new-found freedom, did not come easy and at times the old ways of thinking try to lead me back to the victim mentality Enslavement….

Today, my healing continues to unfold as God reveals to me, His Truth for my Life.

May Hope and Faith lead you to your Freedom!

The More I Seek You…

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As a little girl, I had big dreams of becoming a dancer. I loved to dance and was drawn to anything that brought my body movement and allowed me to express myself creatively. From the ages of 5 & 10 years old, I was in gymnastics, ballet, tap, ice skating, hula and folk dancing. A variety of different dance styles and techniques that brought me joy. But by being sexually abused at an early age, I did not have the confidence to continue in any of the classes. When routines or movements became too difficult, I would give up and was allowed to quit. I was defeated and did not pursue dance.

Quitting and not pushing thru a struggle, reminds me the of the following story of, The Butterfly.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were Life’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometmies struggles are exactlyl what we need in our life. The struggles are part of our journey, which is preparing us to fly.

I am currently using all of my strength to push myself thru the cocoon of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse. This bondage would like to keep me forever hidden in my cocoon, but just like that butterfly, I am emerging and I will take flight into complete Freedom. With my Faith in Christ, All Things Are Possible.

Because This Broken Road, Prepares Your Will For Me.

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After I made the decision to heal from the abuse of my past, there were some day’s that I struggled to get out of bed. The demands of being a mom, a wife, an employee and the expectations that I portrayed to everyone of being a “Super Woman”,  had me stretched beyond measure.  There was a morning that my emotions were out of control, I had a nervous stomach and had been vomiting. As I stood in front of my mirror, I could barely keep the tears from falling down my face as I tried to apply my make-up, it just was not going to happen that day.  What was wrong with me? I normally can “hold it together”. I yelled to my husband and let him know that he would be the one dropping the kid’s off at school, and I dragged myself back into bed. As I laid there, I turned on the radio and heard this song, “Walk By Faith” By Jeremy Camp. The song calmed my nerves, spoke to my spirit and let me know that His Grace Covers Me.

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

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I am truly honored to have been nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! When I began my blog, I did not expect to be recognized or acknowledged. I just wanted to share my story with other’s, to bring Awareness and give someone else Hope.

Thank you Arlene, http://armouredup.wordpress.com/ for brightening my day!

The Rules

Of course with a title comes responsibility, and so having already acknowledged the person who nominated me and posting their link above, I will gladly: (1) post the award to my page; (2) list seven things about me;  (3) nominate a few awesome blogs and let each of them know they’ve been nominated.

A Little Bit about Me

1. I am naturally an Introvert who works very hard to be an Extrovert!

2. I have began to let go of fear of what people think about me and have pushed my creative side to the forefront. (not easy!)

3. I love my rather LARGE Family! I have 7 siblings on my Dad’s side, 12 siblings on my step-dad’s side, but I am the only biological child of my mother.

4. I plan many of my family parties and enjoy the excitment and stress of planning, preparing and excuting every detail! (ummm..sometimes I think I must be crazy! lol!)

5. Even though I am the Mom of three boy’s and 1 niece,  I enjoy going to the movies, library, book store and coffee shop, by myself.

6. I LOVE Basketball & Football and am my kid’s Biggest Fan!

7. I can count to ten in Tagalog, Spanish and Samoan. lol! My Family is very multi-cultural!

Now, whether they choose to accept the award is not as important as my publicly acknowledging how these blogs have been a source of inspration to me. They are not in any particular order:

1. http://trudymetzger.com/

2. http://fromawhispertoaroar.wordpress.com/

3. http://thejourneyofmyhealing.wordpress.com/

4. http://whispersfrommyheart.wordpress.com/

5. http://vdcoleman.wordpress.com/

6. http://wjaniese.wordpress.com/

7. http://speakingtruthinlove.wordpress.com/

Shine the Light..on what was done in Secret..

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I recently was told by a fellow blogger, that we have to “Shine the Light on what was done in Secret“.  Anxiety, Fear and Shame are some of the reasons why so many of us who were sexually abused as children choose to remain silent. By keeping the secret hidden, it gives us a false sense of control. But, I have learned that by sharing the secret,  it exposes the Truth and allows Healing to come forth.

Today I would like to dedicate my Blog post to a young lady who is on her Journey to Healing. The following is her incredible testimony that will encourage you to bring awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.  Please pray for her and all of us who are in the midst of reclaiming our lives.  Take the time to View the video…Share the video… and Comment.. Thank you!

My name is Shavee’  (Shavay) I’m currently 25 years old.  

I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a coping skill that I used to deal with the trauma I had suffered was “cutting” or self-injury. I had started cutting myself at the age of 14. I didn’t self-injury because I wanted to I felt I needed to.Self-injury allowed to me dissociate or zone out from emotional pain, disturbing thoughts and memories. I usually would cut myself on my left arm, my stomach and my thighs I stopped cutting on my arm once I became a registered pharmacy technician because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was mentally unstable or “crazy.” I did have close friends that knew about what I was doing while they didn’t completely understand how I was hurting myself they stood by my side. I was even told by a someone only white people do those things.White people arent the only ones to have been abused, hurt, betrayed, alone ect…So eventually I wouldn’t talk about it anymore or people would ask me how I was and I would say “Oh I doing great.” While still secretly cutting myself. January 23,2012 I had cut and I went to the hospital where I received stitches while this wasn’t the first time I received them I told myself that would be the last time.  With March being self injury awareness month I wanted to share my testimony. The enemy knew that if he could keep me quiet as he did for over 12 years that I would still be his. While I was going to church every Sunday and I was still struggling. That goes to show how the enemy is real. I could hear a word and be ok but then my past would creep up at bedtime then Im back hurting myself. Its very important to seek help and reach out because once I did I wasn’t alone anymore. I thought people would judge me or look at me differently but that wasn’t the case at all. I was embraced with hugs and people understood me while they may not have struggled with cutting they may have used alcohol, smoking or sex as their coping skills… pain is just that pain..I had to make up my mind that I wanted to live and not die. Once I made my mind up I started to fully understand that God does love me. The weapons that I formed against myself didn’t even work… Which showed me that God has need of me. I did make it 4 1/2 months cut free as I stumbled June 9, 2012. Even though I made a mistake I celebrated that I made it cut free for as long as I did. .  I’m 25 now and that I was the longest that I have ever gone without self-injury. I didn’t have a pity party or dwell on the fact that I messed up because I’m human. I have to keep it moving at all times so I started over and July 9, 2012 made 1 month cut free. I just have to take it a day at a time and truly seek God at all times because He is where my help comes from.

Resilient..the ability to recover from adversity.

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The above picture, is one that I have on my mirror. It reaches to the depths of my soul and reminds me daily that I AM Resilient.

Three years ago, when I was Forty years old, I had decided to face the pain of my past and follow the advice of my therapist and attend a group therapy session with other Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Week after week, I would sit there and listen to others share their story, and little by little I would share parts of my story. One of the sessions, we were asked to write a letter to one of our abusers, in our journal. We had the choice to read the journal entry to the group. I decided to read mine to the group and immediately began weeping. As I sat there, I felt as if my world was spinning, and every angle was crashing in on me. When the session was over. I was still crying as I walked to my car. I sat in my car for two hours, because I was so emotionally debilitated, I could not drive. I called my husband and asked him to stay on the phone with me as I drove home. When I got home, I went straight to my room, walked into my closet, closed the door and rolled up in a ball and wept. The pain was overbearing as I laid there in my sweat, snot and tears as the years of secrets that I had been holding were coming to the surface.  At that very moment, I knew I was at risk of having a nervous break down, and I began to pray and ask God to help me….And He did. He comforted and surrounded me with His Love.  Many of us have stories that are hidden. I want you to know, that YOU have the Ability to Recover, to be Restored and to Heal. You are Resilient.

Psalm 91 [Amplified Verson]

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].

I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!

For [then] He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

[Then] He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you.

Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place,

There shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent.

For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot.

Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness—trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never].

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

 With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.