No longer held captive…by rejection
You are my masterpiece
Created in my perfect image
There is none like you
I made sure of that
Uniquely crafted
Genuinely created for greatness
You are wanted
Never rejected
Loved beyond measure.
His love endures forever – Psalm 118:2
xoxo Denise
No longer held captive…by anxiety
Every broken heart
cries out to this earth for its healing…
You won’t find it
in your unending need
for approval…
those aren’t the places that I intended for you to seek truth…
look to me my daughter
there you will find your worth.
Hear my whisper?
Draw near to me…
like a firefly to its flame.
bring me your alabaster box..
and break its chains that surround you.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. ~ John 8:36
No longer held captive…secrets
being held captive
entangles truth
restricts freedom
and causes heartache
to follow you
uncover the darkness
shine light on every lie
of the enemy
that is keeping you bound
release yourself from its grip
and run free
So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed. – John 8:36
Spring of ’84
The Latin word rapere “to seize,” from which rape is derived
I was very excited to be going on my first date with this guy that I had met at the mall. He was tall, with an athletic built. He was very handsome, quite charming and very polite. When he came to my house to pick me up, he was a proven gentleman by saying all the right things to my Mom and getting the green light to take her daughter out to dinner.
As we walked to his car, he quickly opened the car door for me and we drove off.
It was in the evening around 7:00pm, we were on our way to a late dinner. As we passed by my high school, he proceeded to drive into the parking lot. I looked at him with a nervous smile and asked him why are we here?
He let me know that we had some time to kill before dinner and he wanted to hang out and talk before we go to the restaurant.
The talking quickly lead to kissing, which lead to him getting on top of me, pulling my skirt up and entering me. I told him I was a virgin and begged him to stop and that he was hurting me.. his response, “I will be gentle”.
The charming and polite gentlemen, quickly turned into a cold, self-gratifying, jerk.
I felt dizzy, as my head was spinning, and every emotion from anger, shock and despair engulfed me. I couldn’t believe what was happening.
The next thing I hear is a tap..tap..tap.. on the window and a light flashing into the drivers side.
He immediately jumps off of me and pulls up his pants.
He rolled the down the window, and it was a police officer. The officer asks us what we are doing and asks for his license.
The officer than shines his light on me, and asks me for my name and birthdate. I give him my real name, but a fake birthdate, I pretended to be 17, (the age I told the guy, when I met him at the mall) now I told the same lie to the officer. In actuality, I was 14 and the guy was 19.
You see, even though I was being violated,
I was too afraid to tell the truth.
I felt like, since I had lied, it was as if I had deserved it.
The officer looked at me with disappointing eyes, shook his head and told us to leave the high school property.
He drove me home, kissed me on my cheek and told me that he had a great night.
Without responding, I got out of the car, went into the house, took a shower…and cried.
I felt like I wanted to die.
I didn’t tell anyone about the rape until I was an adult. I felt like it was my fault and I blamed myself for everything…
Things that played out in my head were:
I shouldn’t have lied…
I shouldn’t have went on the date…
I shouldn’t have worn a skirt…
I should’ve told him no, I didn’t want to go to my high school parking lot…
I should’ve screamed and fought him…
I should’ve told the police officer what happened…
I’m nothing…
I’m dirty…
I hate myself.
Those words haunted me for years…
TODAY, I know that I was not to blame.
That it wasn’t my fault…
It’s not the clothes that I wore..
or what I looked like..
or what I said…
or what I did or did not do.
I did not encourage him or provoke him to rape me.
Today, I no longer live in shame.
*********************************************
National Sexual Assault Hotline
https://rainn.org/ 1-800-656-4673(HOPE)
No turning back…
What do I see in the depths of her heart?
but a child so pure, innocent and set apart…
apart from the filth and innocence robbed…
apart from the trusting hands that cradled her soul…
took her aside and stole what was not theirs…
apart from lies and deep secrets untold…
childhood nightmares…
try to continue to unfold…
give her air…
so she can breathe…
open the window and set her…
Free.
Being 9 years old, I did not understand the sick logic of an old man and his ungodly desire to violate children. Why would the same person who brought so much joy to a family, bring pain? He was a lion in sheep’s clothing, and the least likely to ever be accused of such a crime. The burden he placed upon us to “keep a secret”, was the ultimate breach of trust against generations of children.
To be set free from the pain of my past, everyday I have to believe that I have a choice…
A choice to listen to the lies or the truth
To see myself as healed or broken
To live with shame or to live unashamed
To speak or to silence my voice.
You see, to declare that I’m no longer held captive by my childhood secrets, requires a daily willingness to change how I view myself and a determination to never be bound to that pain again.
~ Denise
Who the Son sets free is free indeed. John 8:36
Above all else Stand…
There were so many years that I struggled with the overwhelming hurt of the little girl within me.
On the outside people saw the smile, the beauty, the “perfect” image that I tried so hard to sustain.
They say secrets make you sick…
I say…those secrets will grow legs and make itself known in the ugliest of ways…
My secrets manifested itself as depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, excessive control and various health issues.
Words like PTSD…Intensive outpatient therapy…and Recovery became an ongoing conversation with my Doctor.
I could no longer hide it…
The little girl in me…
The one who was crying out to be seen…
She rose up… And declared her freedom.
~ Denise
Quiet the voice of deceit…
de·ceit \ the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid
I think I am angry…
No, I know I am angry…
and I am really angry at you.
It happened over and over again, and you sat there and did nothing…
I know you didn’t want to betray me…
but you did…
I blamed you…..
I accused you….
and I despised you….
and most of all…
I hated you for not protecting me…
The innocence that was stripped from the loins of this little girl, brought years of heartache, shame and self hate.
This taunting voice of deception…
came in order to remind me of my past.
This direct battle between good and evil….
truth and lies…
hope and despair....
was an attempt to try to destroy me…
and keep me bound to pain.
Today, I bravely look at every jagged edge that was piercing the most sacred areas of my heart…
I boldly speak truth to those broken places…
I see worth…value…and the unending love,
that He so gracefully pours over me…covering me…protecting me.
Piece by piece, I am made whole.
~Denise
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32
In my darkest hour…I found hope.
I was attacked at the very core of my being and was told to end it.
That I was not going to live past the depression, the anxiety and the tremendous amount of pain. The lies, and self hatred tried to overshadow every ounce of hope and faith I previously held onto.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley…
Fragmented pieces of the memories came flashing back as I tried to piece them together and make sense of the realization that these were not nightmares but factual suppressed recollections.
I will fear no evil…for you are with me…
It was too much! I felt as if I was literally being ripped from the inside out. Every part of my body ached as I exposed the truth and walked through the dark murkiness of my past.
You protect and guide me, and I find comfort as you console me…
In my despair, I wept as I released the pain of that little girl.
You are repairing all the damage that was done to me, and restoring the deepest, most real part of me.
My strength Lord, comes from you. ~ xoxo Denise
*Psalm 23
There are times in all of our lives that things become overwhelming, sometimes to the point that life seems to be crashing in from every angle of your life, which for me caused me to literally find myself in a dark place and needing help.
I wanted to isolate but instead I called for help.
I want to encourage you, to seek help.
If you find yourself in a position that you need to talk to someone, reach out for help.
You are not alone, you are not overreacting and please don’t feel as if you are bothering them.
Pick up your phone… and call someone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
The Power to Rise…
This beautiful and vibrant artwork by Kohava Howard, immediately spoke volumes to my soul!
The colors and her image, made me think of myself as I bravely continue on my healing journey.
At times I found myself, revisiting the painful areas of my past and hovering there, literally stuck in a dark place within my mind. Those moments lead me to feeling not only depressed, but caused me to isolate from my family and friends.
The Power to Rise…
Through therapy, recovery and my relationship with God, I have learned that it is ok to feel the pain. I no longer stuff my feelings, but I talk about them, freely, without fear of judgement. I face those memories with courage, completely accepting both the good and bad memories of my past. Applying truth and love has given me my freedom.
As I continue to meditate on the woman in this picture, her image depicts tremendous amount of strength, which transcends beauty and radiates of her perfect peace and hope for her future.
~ xoxo Denise
My Journey Home….to God & Self 