Category: mental-health
No longer held captive by…avoidance
Not a simple crack…
Under the layers of
an ice-like heart
in the deep…deep foundation
there was a simple crack.
overlooked
Ignored
compressed
the layers
continued to form
until one day
under the pressure
of it’s own weight
the simple crack
expanded
and became a glacier.
and when the hardness
leaked into every area
of her life,
she then realized
it could no longer
be ignored.
~ Denise
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
Spring of ’84
The Latin word rapere “to seize,” from which rape is derived
I was very excited to be going on my first date with this guy that I had met at the mall. He was tall, with an athletic built. He was very handsome, quite charming and very polite. When he came to my house to pick me up, he was a proven gentleman by saying all the right things to my Mom and getting the green light to take her daughter out to dinner.
As we walked to his car, he quickly opened the car door for me and we drove off.
It was in the evening around 7:00pm, we were on our way to a late dinner. As we passed by my high school, he proceeded to drive into the parking lot. I looked at him with a nervous smile and asked him why are we here?
He let me know that we had some time to kill before dinner and he wanted to hang out and talk before we go to the restaurant.
The talking quickly lead to kissing, which lead to him getting on top of me, pulling my skirt up and entering me. I told him I was a virgin and begged him to stop and that he was hurting me.. his response, “I will be gentle”.
The charming and polite gentlemen, quickly turned into a cold, self-gratifying, jerk.
I felt dizzy, as my head was spinning, and every emotion from anger, shock and despair engulfed me. I couldn’t believe what was happening.
The next thing I hear is a tap..tap..tap.. on the window and a light flashing into the drivers side.
He immediately jumps off of me and pulls up his pants.
He rolled the down the window, and it was a police officer. The officer asks us what we are doing and asks for his license.
The officer than shines his light on me, and asks me for my name and birthdate. I give him my real name, but a fake birthdate, I pretended to be 17, (the age I told the guy, when I met him at the mall) now I told the same lie to the officer. In actuality, I was 14 and the guy was 19.
You see, even though I was being violated,
I was too afraid to tell the truth.
I felt like, since I had lied, it was as if I had deserved it.
The officer looked at me with disappointing eyes, shook his head and told us to leave the high school property.
He drove me home, kissed me on my cheek and told me that he had a great night.
Without responding, I got out of the car, went into the house, took a shower…and cried.
I felt like I wanted to die.
I didn’t tell anyone about the rape until I was an adult. I felt like it was my fault and I blamed myself for everything…
Things that played out in my head were:
I shouldn’t have lied…
I shouldn’t have went on the date…
I shouldn’t have worn a skirt…
I should’ve told him no, I didn’t want to go to my high school parking lot…
I should’ve screamed and fought him…
I should’ve told the police officer what happened…
I’m nothing…
I’m dirty…
I hate myself.
Those words haunted me for years…
TODAY, I know that I was not to blame.
That it wasn’t my fault…
It’s not the clothes that I wore..
or what I looked like..
or what I said…
or what I did or did not do.
I did not encourage him or provoke him to rape me.
Today, I no longer live in shame.
*********************************************
National Sexual Assault Hotline
https://rainn.org/ 1-800-656-4673(HOPE)
No turning back…
What do I see in the depths of her heart?
but a child so pure, innocent and set apart…
apart from the filth and innocence robbed…
apart from the trusting hands that cradled her soul…
took her aside and stole what was not theirs…
apart from lies and deep secrets untold…
childhood nightmares…
try to continue to unfold…
give her air…
so she can breathe…
open the window and set her…
Free.
Being 9 years old, I did not understand the sick logic of an old man and his ungodly desire to violate children. Why would the same person who brought so much joy to a family, bring pain? He was a lion in sheep’s clothing, and the least likely to ever be accused of such a crime. The burden he placed upon us to “keep a secret”, was the ultimate breach of trust against generations of children.
To be set free from the pain of my past, everyday I have to believe that I have a choice…
A choice to listen to the lies or the truth
To see myself as healed or broken
To live with shame or to live unashamed
To speak or to silence my voice.
You see, to declare that I’m no longer held captive by my childhood secrets, requires a daily willingness to change how I view myself and a determination to never be bound to that pain again.
~ Denise
Who the Son sets free is free indeed. John 8:36
In my darkest hour…I found hope.
I was attacked at the very core of my being and was told to end it.
That I was not going to live past the depression, the anxiety and the tremendous amount of pain. The lies, and self hatred tried to overshadow every ounce of hope and faith I previously held onto.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley…
Fragmented pieces of the memories came flashing back as I tried to piece them together and make sense of the realization that these were not nightmares but factual suppressed recollections.
I will fear no evil…for you are with me…
It was too much! I felt as if I was literally being ripped from the inside out. Every part of my body ached as I exposed the truth and walked through the dark murkiness of my past.
You protect and guide me, and I find comfort as you console me…
In my despair, I wept as I released the pain of that little girl.
You are repairing all the damage that was done to me, and restoring the deepest, most real part of me.
My strength Lord, comes from you. ~ xoxo Denise
*Psalm 23
There are times in all of our lives that things become overwhelming, sometimes to the point that life seems to be crashing in from every angle of your life, which for me caused me to literally find myself in a dark place and needing help.
I wanted to isolate but instead I called for help.
I want to encourage you, to seek help.
If you find yourself in a position that you need to talk to someone, reach out for help.
You are not alone, you are not overreacting and please don’t feel as if you are bothering them.
Pick up your phone… and call someone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
